1.31.01
The Gods Must Be Cranky
-- OR --
Sacred Suds
The planets are in alignment. The nectar is churning. The incense is burning. The bells are chiming. The vagrants are begging. The big screen TV is blaring! Ah, yes, 'tis the sacred Maha Kumbh Mela, India's great festival of the pot of nectar and immortality. It takes place along the Ganges only each 144 years, so needless to say, this is the must-attend celebration of the century for pilgrims around the world. And you know what you'll find where throngs of worshippers congregate to immerse in the divine spirit of the gods, don't you? You guessed it: advertising!

Thanks to RC&A, a clever marketing and communications outfit, rural Indians with little exposure to the splendor of sponsorship have the pleasure of viewing ad after glorious ad on the 14 120" boob tubes that have been placed around the mela.

"I think people are liking it," comments an employee of RC&A, Jagmohan Singh, according to the 1/26 Wired News account. "[S]ome of them have not seen such huge television sets, nor are they really familiar with the products being advertised. So there is some fascination," he notes.

C'mon, you can't blame the product pushers for taking advantage of this unheard of opportunity. I mean, can you think of anyone better suited to engage in a promo pitch than a Ganges-plunging pilgrim who's just experienced true enlightenment? Hey, it sure beats telemarketing.

Besides running spots for ten advertisers, mainly manufacturers of health and beauty products like soap and hair oils, the seemingly anachronistic broadcasts feature public service and lost-and-found announcements as part of the deal RC&A made with the Uttar Pradesh government.

Drifting towards the heavens, balloons pay homage to advertisers as trade show-like booths become shrines to toothpaste and shampoo brands. A woman from Bihar witnesses the miraculous cleansing qualities of Lifebuoy soap. Wired details the encounter between Radhika Sharma and the magic lye salesman: "First, put your hands under this special camera and see how dirty [your hands] are.... Then wash them with water and look at the germs still." Evidently, a follow-up scrub with Lifebuoy was enough to convince her to pick up two bars for her hubby. Now… if only she could remember whether he parked the family station wagon in the Ganesha or Shiva lot....

Potent Quotables
-- OR --
Aducational Aids
Here in The Lowbrow Lowdown Lair, the groggy morning air is flooded with the soothing sounds of Howard Stern's Radio Show. When it comes time for the endless commercial break, however, the lackeys are all about C-SPAN's Washington Journal. During the show's 1/25 edition, The National Association for the Education of Young Children's Barbara Willer discussed the reading capabilities of America's wee-ones. She claimed, "The first letter children recognize is the first letter of their name -- that is, and the golden arches for French fries." Well, like I always say, learn 'em young. Hey, there's a thought: why not take advantage of the exceptional educational aspects of brand icons? I can see it now: today's episode of Sesame Street has been brought to you by the letters and and the number ! Let's learn with logos!

Big Bad 'baccy
-- OR --
Shackles of Smoke
They're conniving. They're underhanded. They'll do anything to get you hooked. These folks are pure evil. Nope, they're not the producers of Kathie Lee's new children's album. They're actually even more diabolical than that, and once you're in their grips, you're helpless. They're tobacco companies, and they're comin' to a bar near you!

If you've ever been to the Iguana Cantina in Fort Lauderdale Florida, you may have spotted them already. According to a story reported by Debbie Elliot for National Public Radio's 1/22 edition of All Things Considered (see Tobacco Ads story), the home of the Super Bowl Sunday Martini Bar lingerie/sex party has been corrupted by the malevolent Marlboro man on several occasions. As a part of its "relationship marketing" program, Marlboro brands the bar about six nights a year in exchange for 1,250 smackers, plus supplies like matches and ashtrays and exclusive rights which prevent the lizard lushes from promoting any other cigarette brands.

It's all a means of brand immersion for Philip Morris, makers of Marlboro, as noted by Mike File, spokesman for the company: "It's a social environment that provides us an opportunity to interact directly with adult consumers in an age restricted environment.... And "give[s] them the opportunity to experience Marlboro country." Sounds good to me, Mike, as long as I don't have to experience Marlboro Light 100s country. Oh, and can you make sure that Marlboro country's Medicare program provides fully-funded chemotherapy to all citizens over the age of 65, too?

Dr. Stan Glance, professor of Medicine at the University of California, San Francisco bemoans the promotional practices of tobacco brands like Marlboro, Virginia Slims and Winston. As featured in the report, he believes, "They're basically turning bars into big, three dimensional cigarette advertisements." Hmmm...that's funny; and all this time, I thought California's excessive anti-smoking laws had turned bars into police states where having a cigarette is punishable by evil looks from uptight, redwood-hugging ginseng addicts.

Since the hard-hitting tobacco settlement of 1998, director of the University of Alabama's Center for Study of Tobacco and Society, Alan Blum, opines, "It's worse, frankly, than it's ever been before." He describes a recent Winston Cup racing event during which, "for the first time I've ever seen, they were handing out not free packs of cigarettes but free cartons of cigarettes. I mean, it's mind boggling -- the degree to which they've been able to pad their ability to promote." Where's the padding? It seems as though distributing free samples is about the most blatant way to promote a product.

Hey, cigarette manufacturers have the right to advertise their wares, yet they are vilified regularly for displaying marketing prowess within severely restrictive parameters. With time, as trial lawyers continue to disguise their marketing capabilities as societal health protection, the day will come when cigarette makers will be limited to sponsoring the tombstones of their oh-so-unwitting customers.

Affirms Marlboro spokesman, File, "We will continue to find ways to responsibly market our products to adults who choose to smoke…."

It appears that 43-year-old Keith Harris of Arkansas is another "victim" of these responsible marketing efforts. According to the radio coverage, he collected 3000 "Camel Cash" coupons from packs of Camel cigs, aiming to redeem them for a Miami vacation. At an average cost of $2.50 a pack, taking into consideration the cigarette price fluctuations over the past few years, this dolt probably spent at least $7,500 for his "enticing" trip to Miami. (Just think: Cubans can get there for free.)

Harris reasons, "From a business sense, I'd be doing everything I could to keep my customers there. From a moral point, I think it's kinda wrong because they're enticing you, luring you into smoking."

As far as I'm concerned, anyone who can be so easily led into hemorrhaging money like that without taking any personal responsibility is kinda dumb. Something tells me this knucklehead is also proud of the fact that at last year's county fair, it only took him 26 $3 rounds at the ring toss booth to score that sweet Lynyrd Skynyrd mirror.

Rail Under Nader Radar
-- OR --
Have Your Burger and Eat It Too?
If there's one thing just about all Americans do on a regular basis, it's take things for granted. For example, as a Jersey City dweller, I rely upon the Hudson Tubes, a.k.a. Path trains, to deliver me from The Garden State into the manic state of Manhattan. Plus, up until a few days ago, I could count on the ride costing me a measly buck each way. Now that The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey raised the rate to $1.50 some peeps are pissed.

Folks in Boston, Massachusetts are...well...pissed, too. You see, the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority will soon be offering up the names of four of its subway stations, Back Bay, South Station, Sullivan Square and Downtown Crossing, to the highest bidder. According to a 1/17 USA Today piece, Massachusetts Transportation Secretary, Kevin Sullivan, "says the station-naming scheme was developed to bring in new revenue for the transit agency, which recently became a separate financial entity from the state."

Sullivan assures Bostonians that the sponsor names will "be added after the traditional names....like adding a middle name." Sure, Kev -- kinda like Kevin Dick Sullivan, right?

Some folks are thinkin' the same thing, although expressing it more diplomatically. Ralph Nader's one of 'em. Yes, as featured in Commercial Alert's 1/23 newsletter, Nader put it all down in a letter sent to Massachusetts Governor Paul Cellucci. "This is a hucksterism that degrades history and community in favor of crass commercialism," writes the Spartan champion of the crumpled suit. "No other city is so identified with the birth of American liberty.... Once you start selling off the names of history, where will it end? When you rename the Harvard Square T stop for McDonalds?" Hey, Ralph, at least we'd know the tracks would be well-greased.

He goes on to condemn the implications of this trans-branding: "Consider the affront to those fighting obesity, say, to have a contributor to that obesity -- Burger King, say -- put its name on the T station which they pass every day."

Ya know, Ralph's right! I say we go one further by raising train fares in order to provide subsidized celery sticks to our faultless, two-seat-takin' friends. Better yet, let's ban all commercialism on trains; that way, the dimwits who have nothing better to do but read ads during their commutes will no longer be able to afford a train ride in the first place. Let's face it: chances are Mr. Nader wouldn't refer to the cost of a truly ad-free subway ride as "priceless."

Sucka Ad Men Should Call Them Sire
-- OR --
Rhymin' and Pluggin'
Back in the day when Run DMC geared up to "stomp out pimps with diamond rings" and "slay all suckers who perpetrate," they strapped on their Adidas. Droppin' lyrics about rockin' the mic in the white sneaks with black stripes surely boosted sales for the hailed footwear brand. It's too bad the ol' school suckas couldn't do the same for the Bible when they went born again on us. Be that as it may, when rappers and rock stars praise particular products, people purchase them.

For that reason, there's little doubt that Motorola is more than happy with rapper Jay-Z's ode to its two-way pager. It turns out, according to the 1/22 Advertising Age coverage (An urban rite of PASSage, by Richard Linnett) the rhymin' Casanova employs his Motorola to, first and foremost, send shout-outs to slammin' shorties. (You may recall how Jay-Z's hit, It's a Hard Knock Life, which samples the same-named tune from the ever-so-precocious musical Annie, tugged at America's heartstrings, despite his lack of crimson curls.) In his track, "i just wanna love u (Give it 2 Me)," Jay-Z assures us, "Only way to roll is, Jigga and two ladies/I'm too cold, Motorola, two-way page me." Ah...well-written lyrics always bring a tear to my eye.

The pager plug wasn't entirely Jay-Z's idea, though. Actually, it was Interscope Records' Steve Stoute and AG Worldwide's Peter Arnell who were the true masterminds behind the Motorola mention. Whereas "Urban marketing agencies…substitute a black actor for a white actor and call it an urban ad," as Stoute remarks, his "low-profile joint venture," PASS, aims to take urban marketing to a new, highly integrated level.

"In its most recent undertaking with [luxury product purveyor] Davidoff, the duo developed a new line of cigars, Zino Platinum Series...." Poster ads for the primo smokes feature none other than Jay-Z.

OK, these guys seem to know their shiznit. In fact, I won't be surprised to see brothas on the streets of Jersey City puffin' on Zinos someday soon (Cigars: they're not just for blunt wrappers anymore). However, when you consider the fact that high-priced luxury items are often revered in urban culture because, simply put, they are symbols of supposedly unattainable wealth, the coupling of rap-star and exorbitantly priced cigar is a natural. I'll be convinced of PASS's amazing marketing abilities when a campaign for those emasculating Razor Scooters featuring spokes-gangsta Ol' Dirty Bastard spurs an inner city transportation phenomenon.