2.21.01
Marxist Marketing
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In-house Indoctrination
Marketing and branding are undeniable components of most successful business ventures. Positive word of mouth is pretty damn important, too. The thing is, if employees ain't keepin' that PMA, the snowball effect of gossip-mongering mail room clerks and one-too-many red bull and vodka slugging IT guys can be devastating to a firm's street cred. That's why many companies realize the need to prune those sprouts of negativity in the bad-mouth-bud.

According to the 2/13 edition of the Wall Street Journal's Work Week column, "About 64% of marketing officials at 130 companies surveyed by the Conference Board, New York, expect spending to market their brand to employees to rise. Some companies believe such branding helps recruiting and retention."

Surely, these in-house marketers are overlooking some tried-and-true methods proven to instill the desirous qualities of loyalty and subservience in employees. We at The Lowbrow Lowdown know better. We don't believe in wasting money on branding to staff. Instead, we understand that good ol' fashioned coercion is much cheaper and highly effective. That's right. On a regular basis, Lowbrow Lowdown Lackeys delight in a variety of mind-numbing experiences:

Ford Funds Film Festers
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Super 8 Set Really Wants to Direct…Ads
Face it: you know who Ron Popeil is. You know what I mean by "tiny ads," too, don't ya? Hey, infomercials shed light on the fact that some of us like a little commercial in our entertainment. The transformation of the Super Bowl from sports event to TV spot spectacular is certainly a testament to this as well. And let's not forget the fact that advertisers are streaking their skivvies at the mere mention of ad-skipping interactive TV items like "Tivo" and "ReplayTV." With this in mind, it comes as no surprise that there has been a recent flood of product placements in films and television.

So, why should Web films be ad-exempt? That's what online movie houses like iFilm and AtomFilms, as well as marketers like Ford and Mitsubishi are asking. As featured in a 2/12 LA Times story, Mitsubishi is flippin' the bill for an as yet un-filmed flick to run on iFilm called "I Shot the Band." It "will focus on a band's experiences on tour, using a Mitsubishi truck filled with digital cameras and editing equipment provided by the sponsor." In a similar move, Ford-sponsored productions will be seen on the AtomFilms site.

Apparently, this sort of infiltrative marketing approach is much easier on the budget than high-priced, in-your-face TV spots, too. It's also much more subtle. In the Times piece, Ford spokesman Bill George intimates, "We want to be more a part of their lives than just kind of bang them over their heads with 30-second spots." In other words, Ford prefers the Chinese water torture technique.

VP of sales at AtomFilms, Seth Levenson, claims that Ford said to the filmmakers, "Do whatever you want, but you've got to have the car in there somehow." Hmmm…you mean Ford didn't care what the film's content was? anonymous Lowbrow Lowdown sources insist that Ford rejected a really promising script that centered around the underachieving son of a Ford dealer who can't get laid because he drives his grandmother's old '86 Tempo. What gives?

The question is, how will people respond to these promo pictures? Well, in the story, Michael Kamins, associate professor of marketing at USC's Marshall School of Business, opines, "These [viewers] are younger kids; I would bet they're not as cynical toward advertising…. So maybe they're more accepting on the face of it because it's not an ad."

I see from whence Kamins is coming, but I'd beg to differ with his logic. Yes, many kids are quite accepting, if not embracing, of ads and corporate logos as a result of brand name ubiquity. However, I'd argue that sponsor submersion has also enabled many of today's adolescents and teens to develop a keen awareness of advertisers' true intentions. While the followers fall into place as commanded, some of the more independent-minded youngsters have formed an anti-brand force field of sorts. As opposed to succumbing to advertising, they have actually become analytical, even suspicious, through their frequent exposure to it. The often stifled idealist in me would like to think that these ad-literate kids can also see through covert commercial strategies such as these online adflicks. Then again, the stifled idealist in me also believes that four cocktails a day aids health by stimulating proper urinary tract functions.

All in all, advertisers are leery of steering their promobiles into shameless plug territory. In regards to the Ford-sponsored short films, creative director at J. Walter Thompson, Rob Donnell, admits, "We had to be very careful to make sure they were entertaining…. There was no gratuitous use of the vehicle."

I dunno, dude, that's not what I heard. This guy who works in the Piercing Pagoda at the Galleria saw it and told me that they show her headlights like at least four times, plus, in this one scene, if you freeze frame at just the right moment, you can catch a glimpse of her muffler. Whoa.

Whoop Ass for Candy Kisses
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Just Say No Way to V-Day
Valentine's Day: it may be one of the most overtly consumer-driven, money-making ploys imaginable. Hey, on my list, it's right up there with greeting card hawking "holidays" like Secretaries Day, Bosses Day and Mother-in-Law's Day. Now it's fallen prey to skeptics in the Land of the Tiger.

Yep, India's "Valentine's Day celebrations and marketing gimmicks have, according to many, reached fever pitch this year," as featured in a 2/14 BBC News report. Passionate purveyors are seducing shoppers with lovey-dovey deals on everything from Teflon-coated frying pans to free lunches in honor of the mush-fest. In fact, one television channel went on tour to various colleges, with "a giant float of the epic ship, the Titanic," prompting students to mimic the heart-wrenching drama's lead players, Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. Hey, ya gotta feel for these Indian folks; I mean, they don't have enough star crossed lovers comin' outta Bollywood. What else can they do but look to Leonardo for inspiration?

Well, Di Caprio captivation and other indications of Western culture commercialization have led right-wing Indian groups to feel less than amorous. According to a 2/12 BBC News piece, the leader of hardline group Shiv Sena, Bal Thackeray, "has ordered his party activists to target celebrations in India's commercial capital, Bombay," and "said the day was a conspiracy by foreign companies to sell their products in India." He's right, ya know. Just last week I stumbled across a confidential report detailing this month's Valentine's Day Summit of the League of Demonic Western Lovers.

"We should focus on good work, good thoughts, love and harmony in our society, and not let such Western culture spoil us," instructed Thackeray in the story. Hmmm… maybe Thackeray could use a bit of Western spoilage, considering the fact that, as noted in a 2/14 Yahoo! News article, his thugs greeted love-struck V-Day celebrants with harmonious acts such as chopping hair, blackening faces, burning St. Valentine in effigy, setting fire to heaps of greeting cards and busting shop windows.

Sure, many of us cringe at the thought of such blatant marketing hype slithering its way into once-untarnished cultures. Think of it this way, though: besides promoting pointless purchases of frying pans and overpriced flowers, Valentine's Day invokes the expression of love, admiration and appreciation. These are things that some disrespectful males still stifling women's rights could stand to embrace. I'd venture to guess that the Valentine's villains of the Western world would consider overlooking the commercialization of India's culture in light of this. As they say, kill 'em with kindness, or in this case, heart-shaped boxes of waxy chocolates.

Smash-mouth Sponsor Sleeper Hold
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Xtreme McMahon Ban
Paybacks are a bitch. Well, that's what I hear, anyway. Of course, things can get even more troublesome when the paybacks fail to materialize.

Consider the recent happenings over at ABC-owned Chicago radio station WZZN-FM. As highlighted in a 2/15 Chicago Sun-Times story, station management ain't too thrilled with Vince McMahon's latest venture into soap-operatic machismo, the XFL. So, they've banned all mention of the extreme football league on the station. Hey, it's not like WZZN wasn't provoked. After all, the XFL isn't running ads on the station.

As a result of the vindictive WZZN decision, a segment featuring a "fast-talking, wisecracking" radio personality known as Chitchat was hacked to bits. Hey, that's something McMahon would appreciate.

"There's nothing sinister about it," notes defensive program director of "The Zone," Bill Gamble. "We got behind the XFL and promoted them because they said we were going to get a buy. Then they told us 'The Zone' wasn't right for them and didn't buy us. So we decided we shouldn't waste our time talking about them [Waaa!]"

Hey, you get what you pay for, right? The XFL would get sports news coverage if it paid for it -- by buying ad time. It's only fair. In fact, I think the station should apply this ad-buy litmus test to coverage of all topics. For instance, if George Bush doesn't cough up some dinero, he can say goodbye to news coverage of his tax plan. Come to think of it, this could alleviate the media's continued focus on the ex-prez. After all, when's the last time Bubba actually paid for something?

Raising Rockasaurus
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Great Beat -- I Can Dig to It
Sometimes in this world of hype, the names of people, be they talk show hosts or fugitive financiers, become brands in their own rights. Hey, just the other day I heard about some loser who reveres Donald Trump so much, he wants his name legally changed to that of the real estate mogul. Evidently Trump's not so fond of the idea, which strikes me as strange. I mean, he seems to be pretty comfortable sharing his name with casinos, hotels and apartment buildings, what's one more Trump transfer?

Well, anyway, Trump's not the only one who's got to worry about this naming nonsense. Would you believe guitarist Mark Knopfler has joined the ranks of the branded? Yep, the Princess Bride soundtrack sultan of swing has become quite inspirational to a group of paleontologists diggin' dino bones in Madagascar. As noted in the 2/12 PR Week brief (Knopfler has no bones about paleontological namesake), the Dire Straits front man "effectively became a talisman" for Dr. Scott Sampson of the University of Utah and his fellow earth-busters, who dug tunes by a variety of bands while on the job.

"The most bones surfaced when they listened to Dire Straits, which is how the Knopflersaurus got its name," according to the story. The buck-toothed predator who now bears the name of the headbanded ax-slinger is officially titled, "Masiaka-saurus knopfleri," which means, "vicious lizard of Knopfler." The naming muse has received some unexpected PR since word of his calcium coaxing compositions has surfaced. Knopfler concedes, "The fact that it's a dinosaur is certainly apt, but I'm happy to report that I'm not in the least bit vicious."

Ya know, if Knopfler's people were on the ball, they'd be promoting his songs as scientifically-proven mood-music. As far as I'm concerned, anybody whose tunes can actually conjure up a bone, totally surpasses Barry White, Sade, Luther Vandross and Marvin Gaye any day.