4.4.01
Much Ado About Shopping
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Futile Mercantile Maneuver
As a sparring sib, I was constantly engaged in counterattacking my younger brother's efforts to "totally bug me." I still have the scars on my wrist from lunging at him through a glass door pane to remind me of my combative youth. Two things resulted from that incident: 1. plexi-glass panes were installed in the door the next day and 2. I learned that to "just ignore my brother" was good advice.

As adults, sometimes it's best for us to hark back to those oft-forgotten lessons. It seems that one such group of grown-ups who'd be better off heeding the "if it bothers you, just ignore it" advice is breathingplanet. The "web-based group of artmakers, scientists, and theorists whose collective goals include…the analysis of human evolution in terms of capitalism" planned to illustrate its disapproval of the "recognized symbol of the homogenous corporate culture of the U.S.," Wal-Mart. You see, it was all part of Adbusters' world-wide foolsfest2001, an April Fools celebration during which, according to the Adbusters site, "Anarchy will be enforced" in order to counteract the "greed, arrogance, authority, pride and sycophancy" of corporate culture.

As noted in the organization's press release on breathingplanet.net (Hmmm... .net sure is an interesting domain choice for an anti-corporate organization's site.) the smugly feel-good group would stage an "action-performance" known as "Whirl-Mart" on April Fools day, April 1st. Whirl-Mart "is a ritualistic public spectacle in recognition of the religious nature of consumer culture. Whirl-Mart consists of a large group of actors walking single file in a 'prayer circle' around the inside of the store." Man, what ever happened to classic April Fools day practices, like switching the kitchen table sugar with salt or telling your man you're pregnant with triplets?

Adds the release, "We do not intend to disrupt the store's business, merely to create absurdity in a therapeutic struggle to gain cosmic understanding of our positions as human beings." Let's disregard the utter incoherence of this bong-hit induced babble, and focus on the fact that if one is struggling to gain cosmic understanding of anything, Wal-Mart probably ain't the place to do it.

As I opined above, sometimes ignoring something is the best way to de-legitimize something, thus lessening its impact. In this case, by invading Wal-Mart, not only were the "action performers" indulging their overdramatic tendencies and condescending to the very people they appear to want to rescue from capitalistic ruin; they were validating Wal-Mart and the overwhelming consumer mentality that it represents, possibly more in their own minds than in that of the seemingly naïve Wal-Mart customer. For chrissakes, Joe Q. Shopper was just tryin' to find the goddam lighter fluid and get out of the store without tearing his hair out; meanwhile, he had to navigate his way around some crowd-attracting congregation of shopping-cart wielding freaks just to get past the ransacked display of waxy chocolate bunnies.

Hey, I'm not a fan of huge worldwide conglomerates overtaking mom-and-pop shops, either, but I find this insistence on equating capitalism with gluttonous consumerism to be ill-informed as well as just plain upsetting. If it were feasible for us to exchange love beads and macramé belts for necessary goods and services, the commune-crazed utopia of the late 60s would have overtaken our oh-so-evil, capitalistic society by now. It's ironic, but something tells me that had the hippies overcome, we'd all be wearin' mass-produced dashikis and eating at the local Merry Prankster Bar and Grille franchise (tie-dye optional) on Friday nights at this point, anyway.

Student Union Machination
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Mini Data-mining Minions
College kids will do just about anything to make a buck, from fryin' just-turned chicken wings at the pizza joint to marking down stale crullers at the local grocery store. Hey, when I was down 'n' out at Buffalo State, I considered it a good week if I could scrounge up five bucks for a Thursday night out featuring $1 Labatt Blues at the lame alternative club downtown. Let's just say that for a handout, I would have been willing to do a thing or two.

It's too bad that back in my day, marketers hadn't wised up to the typically parasitic ways of college students. Even if they had, I doubt they were quite as advanced as today's classmen cajolers. Nowadays, marketers realize that sniveling students will divulge all sorts of priceless personal data for a dime-a-dozen ball-cap or bottle-opener. Witness KangarooNet's "employment" of two Brandeis University freshman featured in a 4/3 Business2.0 piece on peer-to-peer teen marketing. In its efforts to gather valuable information on college students, the Web-based research applications maker suckered 18-year-old Alison Brown and 20-year-old Maggie Pawlawski into doing its dirty work, gathering email addresses and signatures, each of which reaped a dollar toward their rowing team's spring break fund.

KangarooNet was aided by the expertise of peer-to-peer marketers, The Magma Group, which according to the article, oversees "6,000 student-organization teams, dispersed throughout 750 colleges" and implements strategies that "cost clients between $25,000 and $300,000." Besides the benefits of luring kids where they're most vulnerable -- on their home turf -- the ability to perform peer persuasion programs on college property also enables Magma to pass on some substantial savings to clients like eBay, Sony and Lycos. This can be chalked up to the fact that "because students who participate in the programs raise money for collegiate activities, neither research firms nor their clients have to rent space on campus."

Some companies run their own data digs, including teen site, Bolt. Distributing branded giveaways at schools, skate parks, diners and malls, the company's "mini-army of 100 15- to 20-year-olds….report[s] back to Bolt on events for teenagers in their towns and identif[ies] local 'cool' locales where Bolt can promote itself." Brandon De Hoyos is one of the Bolt brigade who hands out Bolt stickers and rubber-band bracelets in exchange for similar Bolt bric-a-brac. Notes the eerily enthusiastic 16-year-old in the story, "I've learned how marketing works as a rep…. Now I am able to talk to anyone and to get the word out about a product."

Ya know, if this kid had commented that his Bolt association has increased his ability to score with the ladies, that'd be understandable. His focus on salesmanship is what's disturbing. Not only is Bolt blatantly using kids like De Hoyos for financial gain, this munchkin marketer sees right through to the heart of the scam! I'll admit that it's heartening to see a teen who's so forward-thinking and cognizant of his future path, but it's just not normal. I wanna know what average Bolt lackeys think of this slimy set-up. It's too bad they're probably all too busy constructing slingshots from Bolt bracelets and taping re-purposed Bolt stickers that read "blob" and "blotto" to the backs of fat girls and old drunk guys.

So, most likely, De Hoyos is more aware than his nascent-minded peers. VP of marketing at The Magma Group, Matt Britton, realizes this. "Unlike 40-year-olds, college students are not cynical," he asserts. "They are making their buying decisions for the first time."

Overall, I wonder just how kosher it is for schools, private or public, to condone the exploitation of their students in this way. Yes, technically, most college kids are adults, but most are also still quite wide-eyed and trusting. Back when I was a gullible undergrad, if a friend or acquaintance were manning a covert marketing operation, proclaiming that my signature would garner an extra buck towards some student organization, chances are I would have gladly assisted in my own duping. Then again, that probably would have been a day that I was skipping classes, gladly assisting in my own doping.

Bulletins of the Flesh
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The Four Hoopsmen
In Frank Miller's and Geof Darrow's futuristic depiction of apocalyptic destruction, Hard Boiled, everyday inner city dwellers proudly display permanently inked corporate logos across scarred chests. Until now, little did readers of this comic know they'd see life imitate art within their lifetimes.

That's right. Branding could soon take on a double meaning, if Dakkan Abbe has anything to do with it. Abbe, the president of New York's Fifty Rubies Marketing, hopes to see basketball stars don temporary tattoos of corporate logos, as featured in the 3/27 broadcast of NPR's All Things Considered. The thing is, the NBA has officially stated that it will not allow this sort of commercialization on the courts. Something tells me that if the league got a cut of the sponsorship funds, they'd rethink the situation.

Either way, Abbe seems unfazed by the NBA's anti-tat stance. "I don't think the league's official standing is that the tattoo on the skin is part of the uniform of the player," he comments. Already, he's contacted "major brands," including a candy company, that are interested in attracting the NBA's market via branded temporary tattoos.

Could permanent skin-art ads be next? Admits Abbe, "I personally think that is going too far. But look at Shaquille O'Neal. He has a Superman tattoo on his arm. What if it turned out that in fact DC Comics had paid him 10 million dollars to put that tattoo on?… Does that mean that he's wrong to have done that for 10 million dollars because he happens to like the logo and he happens to like Superman, but he was also paid for it?" Hmmm…that gives me an idea. I've got a tattoo of a mouse in a spaceship on my shoulder. Maybe I can hit up Disney's Space Mountain for a little financial compensation.

Sadly, this sort of thing comes as no surprise. After all, we've got college students begging to do the bidding of potential sponsors*, and misguided parents naming their firstborns after nearly-moribund music sites*. Surely a few temporary tattoos couldn't do much to fortify our already stable Faustian footing. Really though...the sports world needs another sponsorship vehicle like Dennis Rodman needs another piercing.

In the end, these players are adults. If they choose to swap some skin space for a few extra sponsorship bucks, so be it. I just can't wait for this temporary tat thing to hit the small-time clubs, or little league for that matter. I'd imagine a lot of groveling parents would love to sign away their kids' flesh in exchange for some Coca-Cola or Sega cash. Man, it's just too bad for Abbe that Magic Johnson isn't playing anymore. He would have made a great tat ad man for Trojan condoms…either that, or Pokémon: Catch 'em all!

*Read the Lowbrow Lowdown commentary on Chris and Luke, the first (wannabe) corporately sponsored college students, and the first winner of IUMA's "Name Your Baby Iuma" contest.

Jugheads 'n' Jezebels
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Picture Producers Puss-out
I call it PMS, or Powerpuff Meltdown Syndrome. I don't know about y'all, but at this point, I'm beginning to think the whole girl power thing is all part of some conspiracy through which Oprah gives the world a soul-makeover. In fact, I'm anxiously anticipating the day when street-corner loudspeakers play looped recordings of inspirational messages like "Get off the diet and hop on the spirit scale, girlfriend!" and "Bikinis are nature's teardrops."

Well, we're not the only ones who may be unwittingly involved in some big takeover. Josie and the Pussycats were, too, at least until the heroines of the new live action flick flop realized that "they've been played as pawns…in an evil plot to control the youth of America." Yes, according to the promotional website for the film, which looks more like an evil plot to control the wallets of America's youth than anything else, the movie characters have vowed "to get even and clear their names." It's too bad they couldn't clear the film of brand names.

"How many products can you spot in the JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS trailer?" asks Ain't It Cool News. In his 3/25 posting, tinsel town's favorite bum sniffer, Harry Knowles, writes "I figured I'd do the honors of bringing you this wonderful look at the world of Josie and her Pussycats... and just how MATERIAL it is…. Now find the trailer... watch it... does it make you want to spend? Me, too!" All in all, over 30 logos can be spotted in the 2 minute, 25 second branding onslaught. According to our calculations, that's at least one logo for every 5 seconds of teeny-bopper power pop slop.

Don't count on forgetting the outside world while viewing this sponsored screen gem. An array of brand names is streamed across the screen, including Kodak, Puma, Sega, 7-Eleven, Quaker, Krispy Kreme, Starbucks, Motorola, AOL, Prudential, Target, Coke, Ford and many more. From the looks of it, the film's producers at Universal Studios guaranteed each and every sponsor a place in the trailer. Evidencing this, towards the middle of the trailer, a flood of corporate icons with no apparent integration in the film itself, flashes across the screen. Ain't It Cool News refers to this as a "subliminal logo sequence." As if that's not enough, there's also a McDonald's sponsored shower scene in which golden arches line the bathroom tiles and a soapy sponge resembles an order of French fries. Hey, I like my fries soggy, too, but puleeze.

I just don't get it; where's the imagination? Doesn't anybody miss the phony movie brands and franchises of yesteryear: the Pig Burgers, the Scrumdiddlyumptious bars, the Captain Hook Fish 'n' Chipses? Nowadays, it seems as though Hollywood blockbuster schmucks have given up on subtlety completely. The flick's one long ad -- period. One wonders whether Universal doled out any money for this promo picture at all. In fact, I think they ought to be paying us to see it.

Still, the product placers missed out on some obvious promo possibilities. I mean, for one thing, teenagers are excessively concerned with hygiene. You'd think there would have been an "eau de Pussycats" feminine deodorant spray offering at the very least. I can see the tagline now: "Rockin' out under glaring stage lights in those skin-tight glitter spandex pants got ya feelin' not so fresh? Spurrrrt this." Or better yet, where's the canned tunafish tie-in? Ewwww....