5.23.01
Private Penetration
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Not-So-Alan Funt Stunt
Poor Ren Hoek: the sickness had sapped all of the crude, cutting energy out of him. Throughout the cartoon episode, he was despondent and helpless; he looked like a deflated whoopee cushion. It's a good thing he had his old pal Stimpy to bathe him, medicate him, and generally watch after him. Oh, and don't forget the legion of onlookers who suddenly appeared crowded around the bathroom window, each vying for a glance at Ren in all his vulnerably nude glory. They were watching after him, too.

Imagine a throng of ogling spectators surveying your each and every move. Now imagine that you know they're there. Would you scratch yer arse or invade your nostril with as much vigor as usual? You may have the chance to find out. Camera crews have been invading personal spaces, with the acknowledgement of those being filmed, thanks to Everyday Lives Ltd. As noted in a 5/17 Wall Street Journal article, the London research firm has sneaky staffers planted in U.S. homes, and for Procter and Gamble Co., it soon will run programs in Italy, Germany, the U.K. and China. In the end, video clips will be accessible by about 150 P&G employees via computer, and even searchable by keyword. As for the payoff, shameless exhibitionists involved in similar U.S. studies sometimes receive about $200 to $250, according to the story.

"After a subject family agrees to participate," adds the piece, "one or two ethnographer-filmmakers will arrive at the home when the alarm clock rings in the morning and stay until bedtime, usually for a four-day stretch." Hmmm…and I get uncomfortable when the exterminator dude makes his monthly two-minute visit to spray the apartment.

Essentially, P&G hopes that observing consumers in their natural habitats will inspire new product ideas. Aren't these the same folks who make Crisco and that Sunny D sludge? I think the company's done enough damage already.

P&G researchers believe that the up-close studies will provide better results than focus group sessions since selective memory often precludes focus group participants from divulging the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The thing is, the camera's presence could also lead to some deception. The firm "will have to contend with a basic problem of market research known as reactivity, whereby a subject acts differently merely because he knows he is being observed." Integration of study findings into P&G's massive database may help to alleviate those pitfalls, as noted in the article.

So, the next tier of consumer acquiescence to marketer prodding and poking has arrived. It should come as no surprise. After all, prostitution is the oldest profession; call this 2001: A Trollop Targeting Odyssey. Plus, the product pimps at P&G are gettin' in on the action at just the right time, considering the apparent lure of reality TV lately. I'll admit that people have been participating in like things such as marketing focus groups and drug tests for years. It's just that this seems extraordinarily invasive. Maybe Procter & Gamble ought to name this little promotional procedure "Proctology".

Potent Quotables
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Artificially Flavored Reality
Has your palate remained at the sophistication level of a ten-year-old? If so, you're sure to agree with Hostess's VP of marketing Jeff Swearingen about his company's successful product placement of Doritos on Survivor: The Australian Outback. As mentioned in the 5/7 Strategy coverage, Swearingen admits, "It might sound canned, but I think Survivor is about delivering the ultimate experience and what we try to do is deliver the ultimate snacking experience." What the heck is an ultimate snacking experience? Whatever it is, something tells me that it doesn't leave you with powdered flavor residue on your fingers or foul breath. Man, is this guy living in an air-tight vacuum, sealed for delusion, or what?

Throwin' the Book at Schools
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The Long Harm of the Law?
"I'm tired there's a law for everything I do." A newspaper clipping on my bathroom mirror bears these words of lament. Although they originally trickled from the mouth of a disgruntled hot-rodder, upset over snowmobile speed laws, they easily could have been spoken by marketers targeting school students.

Even the folks in charge at schools across the country are feelin' knackered by the legislation onslaught. If they had their druthers, they'd be permitted to hand over school kids' private information to marketers, and parents would be no more the wiser. The American Association of School Administrators (AASA) and advertising trade organizations are distressed by a bill that's been re-introduced to the U.S. Senate by Senators Christopher Dodd (D-CT) and Richard Shelby (R-AL). According to Bruce Hunter, a lobbyist for the AASA who is quoted in a 5/17 Wired News article, "If approved, the amendment…would create a mountain of paperwork and could prevent kids from doing research online."

Although at the time of publication, the details of the bill (SA457) had yet to hit the official Senate site, specific wording from the bill is accessible on the Commercial Alert site. Here's the deal: schools that receive funds as provided by the Elementary and Secondary Education Act of 1965 must develop in-school commercialization policies, and obtain written parental consent before gathering or disclosing personal student data that would be used "for the purpose of benefiting…commercial interests." The Wired story reveals that the vote on the amendment "would likely be close."

Adds Hunter, "Why would we want to stop kids from using the Internet to do a research paper?"

This response strikes me as a reactionary over-simplification of the situation. As far as I can tell, the bill doesn't go into specifics about data gathered online at all. There's no question that if it were to call for the implementation of the proposed law in the case of anonymous online data collection, it could become a bureaucratic nightmare. Be that as it may, because personal and anonymous information can be collected in good ol' fashioned paper form as well as through pre-existing school records, it seems to me that with some tweaking, this bill would be a beneficial addition to the act.

"Due to poor funding, school systems are signing on with marketers left and right," stresses Jim Metrock, president of anti-school commercialization non-profit, Obligation. "This amendment is a responsible and prudent way the federal government can require parental consent."

In this column and otherwise, I've acknowledged my distaste for the Fed's endless stream of legislative regulations. In this case, however, the arguments against the proposed amendment seem more like overzealous fear-mongering than anything else. Considering the horde of hurdles already existing between kids in this country and their ability to obtain a decent education, is it too much to ask that their personal information not be divulged to unethical marketers, too? Hey, if companies insist on garnering this type of data from kids outside of school, so be it. To get up-in-arms over the fact that parents will have to sign-off on the release of their children's private information when it is obtained through public school attendance, seems ridiculous, if not disrespectful of the education process and parental rights. Anyway, parental consent to kids' data retrieval online is already required by law through COPPA (Children's Online Privacy Protection Act of 1998).

A letter to the chairman of the Senate committee that's handling the bill from the American Advertising Federation states, "The amendment could have unintended consequences such as prohibiting many existing school fundraising efforts and stopping the supply of some educational materials to students."

Ya gotta love thinly veiled threats like these. I realize that corporations that sponsor schools do so to boost their bottom lines, and that's perfectly understandable. The purpose of being in business is to make money, after all. The purpose of providing a fundamental education is not, however, to transform unwitting students into target markets. If marketers (many of whom are parents, and presumably have been children themselves at some point) can't respect that, then the problem extends far beyond a potential lack of school funds. Isn't it enough that these firms have been awarded the rights to plaster logos and sell products exclusively in public schools? Isn't it about time to draw the line?

Drool Britannia
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Telecommunication Breakdown
Location, location, location: it remains a relevant mantra, even in the realm of the Internet. That's why if you've gone so far as to publicly announce the name of a new corporate venture, you'd better make sure folks know where to go to get to ya.

One wonders whether the daft dimwits in British Telecom's marketing department have ever considered this notion. You may recall when, back in March, BT awarded employees for helping to "lick the competition" by distributing lollipops. Well, now they've gone completely loopy. As featured in The Register's 5/11 story, BT has restructured and re-branded a chunk of its services as Future BT.

So far so good. There's just one itsy bitsy problem. BT forgot to register a corresponding domain name. That's right. According to the piece, the company "has fundamentally failed to register either futurebt.com or btfuture.com." It also neglected to register futurebt.co.uk and btfuture.co.uk. Unbelievable though it seems, both futurebt.co.uk and btfuture.co.uk were registered by other parties the day that "the telecoms giant actually announced its massive restructuring plan to the public."

Isn't registering at least one corresponding domain name second nature in today's business landscape? Hell, months before I started this column, I even bought the .com, .net and .org versions of the domain. And if a dolt like me can have the foresight to do something like that, you'd think that an entire company might be able to accomplish such an obvious prerequisite to project completion. C'mon, we're talkin' about an enormous communications company that, among other things, claims to provide knowledge management, data networking and general e-business solutions, yet failed to communicate well enough in-house to get a few domains registered. And you thought the fact that the US house of reps and the FBI both recently misplaced paperwork was a pathetic embarrassment. Then again, government efficiency is as much an oxymoron as British Telecommunications is in this case.

Telephone Taps
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Leave No Salesman Behind
It's that time of year again. It's time to pin a poppy, pause in silence, and remember the fallen soldiers who have given their lives to protect the land of the free and the home of the brave. Hey, what better way to honor the dead this Memorial Day than with an ice-cold, jumbo Slurpee?

It just so happens that Slurpee-shop, 7- Eleven, and AT&T have joined forces with none other than The White House Commission on the National Moment of Remembrance to commemorate the national holiday. According to a 5/16 Yahoo! Finance story, as part of the "Calling America's Heroes" campaign "participating 7-Eleven stores across the country will distribute free AT&T phone cards, each with up to 15-minutes of domestic calling….to the first 100 veterans, active military personnel and/or immediate family members of military service personnel who request them." Yet again, faithful Kiss Army patriots are gettin' the shaft.

"Sending this message," comments Carmella LaSpada, executive director of the National Moment of Remembrance, "and providing the cards to make those much-needed phone calls, means so much to so many people.''

I can't believe AT&T hasn't promoted the amazing capabilities of its phone card technology before. I mean, who would knew the cards worked for calls beyond the grave?

I am curious about one thing though. Why is the White House pairing up with 7-Eleven and AT&T for this campaign? Don't get me wrong. I realize that aligning with corporate partners in this way enables the White House to promote the Memorial Day message to a wide audience who may have otherwise forgotten why they even got the day off from work in the first place. Why isn't this White House Commission partnering within its own ranks as opposed to getting cozy with these corporations? The smart thing to do in this case would have been to develop a cross-promotion with the U.S. Postal Service. The USPS sells phone cards for chrissakes! It's incredibly deep in debt and garnering more negative press than Robert Blake's murdered wife at this point. Plus, the USPS recently announced plans for a new stamp commemorating American veterans. Oh yeah, I forgot: the post office is conveniently closed on Memorial Day.

Well, despite the downside, at least we can look forward to 7-Eleven's limited time only Memorial Day Slurpee flavors. According to anonymous Lowbrow Lowdown sources, the lip-smacking options include Gangrene Apple, Prisoner of Watermelon, Land Mine Lemon, Bunker Brain Freeze and Don't Ask, Don't Tell Fruit Punch. Bow your heads and slurp!