6.13.01
Scare-Lactics
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Don't Take Manipulation from Strangers
Sometimes they lurk 'round the playground and dangle cakes and candies. Sometimes they ogle the young girls because they're feelin' randy. Sometimes they sit in their motorcars waiting for the school bells to chime. If you haven't guessed it yet, these folks are really slime.

This time, the tot tempters aren't after the kiddies for their innocence or their naughty bits. No, this time, they're after their mucus, among other icky bodily business. Yes, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is back to its ol' panic-mongering pander again. And now the animal rights org is goin' after the impressionable wee-ones.

In an ongoing effort to put the dairy industry out to pasture, PETA alarmists have begun "visiting primary schools across Britain…waiting off school grounds and handing out trading cards aimed at showing children what can happen to them if they drink milk," according to the 5/28 Wall Street Journal coverage (Milk Actually Does a Body No Good, According to PETA Campaign in Britain, by Alessandra Galloni). The campaign, aimed at seven- to 14-year-olds is akin to PETA's U.S. anti-dairy strategy through which 10,000 cards have been distributed to kids across the country. It also counteracts the UK's National Dairy Council "pro-milk offensive," notes the Journal article.

So, what could happen if kids ingest the moo juice? Well, as featured in PETA's gross-out trading card collection, they'll get fat, break out, pass gas or ooze phlegm...take your pick (Get it? Yuck!). For those young'uns among us who remember Unstitched Mitch, Semi Colin, Snotwich Sandra and Adam Bomb, the Garbage Pail Kids (a.k.a. Die Total Kaputten Kids) influence will be obvious. PETA's cards may be sick, but fun they're not. As featured on the organization's MilkSucks.com site, "Known Milk Sucker," "Pimply Patty," has zits because she drinks milk (apparently she's evaded that pesky thing we call puberty, the usual acne culprit). The comic card's flipside stresses misleadingly, "When you give cows a break and clear your conscience, you'll get to watch your skin clear up, too." A ha - I knew it! This is PETA's clever ruse to get established as a faith-based organization in order to collect U.S. government funding! Well, after all, even Jesus was a vegetarian according to the wise souls at PETA.

"Chubby Charlie" demonstrates another anti-milk over-simplification: "Eat fat and you'll be fat." Yeah…these are the same Sherlocks who perpetuated the notion in a college-targeted campaign that beer is healthier than milk because beer has "zero fat." Something tells me that Dr. Atkins, Suzanne Somers and the low-carb crusaders would have a thing or two to say about that ill-informed argument. I know a few tubby ale-imbibers that could serve as visual aids, too.

"We want to show that dairy products aren't the be-all and end-all that they are promoted to be when children are growing up," comments PETA's European campaign coordinator, Toni Vernelli, in regards to the cards.

Loyal Lowbrow Lowdown Lackeys have already read in this column about PETA's outlandish claims that meat-eating leads to impotence. They've also read about PETA's proclamation that NYC Mayor, Rudy Giuliani's milk drinking may have contributed to his development of prostate cancer. When a group does everything from singling out the unfortunate ailments of specific individuals to promoting beer drinking to underage college kids, it leads people to believe that they're clutching at straws. The thing is, PETA need not focus on the negatives of its opponent -- in this case, milk and dairy. It never ceases to amaze me that PETA chooses to go the rabble-rousing route although there are so many positive things to promote about alternatives to dairy, like soy-based products and their myriad health benefits.

But, as we well know, those PETA proselytizers just love them scare tactics. Hey, sometimes scare tactics work for campaigning politicos, but voters are at least eighteen years of age in this country. If they're easily led, that's their own problem. Duping naïve kids into thinking that the milk Mommy puts in her coffee or serves with dinner causes obesity, acne and other health problems is udderly irresponsible.

Burger Flippin' Barbie
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Second Mortgage on the Dream House
Have you ever wondered how every girl's favorite gravity-defying role-model, Barbie, manages to maintain that svelte figure of hers? She downs a steady stream of milkshakes, soggy fries and belly-busting burgers, of course! You see, Barbie is a loyal McDonald's employee. As we all know, nobody fills out that familiar yellow and red uniform like our glamour gal, Barbie. And soon, we'll all have a chance to see the golden girl under the golden arches. Yes, the delusionaly-titled McDonald's Fun Time Barbie goes on sale next month in the U.S., as featured in a 6/8 AdNews brief. Plus, Barbie lovers can watch the fast food fashion plate on Barbie.com as she serves up the greasy McSlime.

I'm confused. We are talking about Barbie, here, right? Isn't this the same snob who lives in a dream house, drives a 'vette and can even remove her own head if she's feelin' overly pensive? I don't have the stats on this, but I'd venture to guess that she's the first McDonald's employee who actually owns an Afghan Hound. Ya know, I'm worried about Barbie. I mean, why does she need a second job at Mickey D's? Doesn't her position with Mattel provide sufficient financial support? Could it be that Mattel isn't paying her a living wage? I think a Barbie Rights protest is in order! Oh, and make that order supersized.

Cokeland, CA
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Ice-Cold, Refreshing Corporate Influence
California's constituents may be concerned over this summer's potential blackouts, but perhaps they should save a little worry for the Coke-ins that are already in effect.

A 6/8 AdWeek article features the latest crack in the wall of separation between soda and state. It seems as though Coca-Cola will now have the exclusive right to sell its products throughout Oakland city buildings, according to a $6.2 million 10-year contract recently agreed upon by Coke and the Oakland City Council. That means that facilities like the Oakland Museum, the Woodminster Amphitheater and public libraries will all be closed Coke shops. Oakland gets a 45% commission on sales from the 230 vending machines to be placed within the next six months.

And because Coke is all about havin' good times, they'll be donating $1 million to Oakland's Parks and Recreation Department, too. That will buy the company ad space throughout 22 rec centers, which means that Coke ads will be plastered on sporting equipment, scoreboards, backboards and even two sport utility vehicles. Hmmm…isn't it curious that, probably in part due to rising energy costs, Oakland officials have signed this compromising contract with Coke, yet they're driving gas-guzzling SUVs?

Here in the Lowbrow Lowdown, the implications of corporate sponsorship of public facilities have been discussed several times. I've written about how vending machines in schools and company names on subway stops or sports stadiums can be as beneficial to taxpayers as they can to the corporate sponsors involved. I've also opined that exclusive deals and over-generous ad placement rights, especially when it comes to school sponsorship contracts, can lead to the manipulation of nascent minded youngsters and compound the already ubiquitous obstacles between them and a good education.

Unfortunately, the Lowbrow Lowdown Lackeys were unable to track down any more specifics about the deal, but let's assume that the exclusive vending rights also apply to Oakland city government buildings. If this is the case, it's as if Coca-Cola has set up its own lobbying teams in each of Oakland's government offices. This makes soft money look like small potatoes, especially when one ponders the influence the deal affords Coke over decisions that affect Oakland's citizenry. Food for thought: in their research efforts, Lowbrow Lowdown Lackeys were able to discover that a Coke processing plant near Hercules, CA (about 20 miles outside Oakland) has been under assessment for potentially toxic air emissions by San Francisco's environmental consulting firm, Environmental Science Associates (ESA). Coke's potential influence regarding a matter such as this could prove to compromise the integrity of city government office holders and their decisions.

What's worse is that Oakland is not alone. California cities like Sacramento (home to Governor Gray-out Davis) and Huntington Beach have similar deals with Coke or Pepsi, according to the AdWeek story. Man, I wonder what's keeping Coke and Pepsi from signing exclusive deals with the Crips and the Bloods, too.

Anti-Gravity Heartburn
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Personal Pinko Pizza
They let some schmuck treat the International Space Station as if it were Space Mountain. They've agreed to process the world's nuclear sludge. They were even thinkin' about allowing the winning contestant of some reality show to commandeer the Mir for a stellar cruise. It seems the Russians don't mind a bit of exploitation when there's a ruble or two to be had.

They stooped to a new low last month, though. They actually agreed to eat Pizza Hut pizza! As featured in a 5/28 LA Times story, the pizza purveyor managed to smuggle a 6-inch, vacuum-packed, salami-topped pie along with the rest of the supplies being ferried up to the International Space Station via a Russian cargo rocket. Well, to be truthful, Pizza Hut had Russia's blessing. As many of you are aware, this isn't the first pizza promo space stunt enabled by Russia. The first took place in July when Pizza Hut's logo graced the rocket which hoisted the main module of the station to its home in the sky. Pizza Hut reps wouldn't divulge the cost of the promo, but admitted that it cost less than a Super Bowl ad which runs around $2.3 million for 30 seconds.

Developing a pizza pie to withstand the rigors of space travel proved to be a daunting task. Apparently, Pizza Hut hoped to send the classic pepperoni-topped delight, but "when the test pizza was subjected to a simulated space environment, the pepperoni grew mold." Hey, a little mold on the pepperoni or wings never stopped my manager at Franco's Pizza from ordering me to "just rinse it off and use it" when I worked there.

So, after all that R&D effort, the most Cosmonaut Yuri Usachov had to say about the final product after taking a bite was, "It's good." Rumor has it, however, he was referring to capitalism, not the pizza, though.

The least the Russians could have done is hooked up the American astronauts with a slice. I mean, the Russians certainly seem to be overstepping their boundaries a bit when it comes to this International Space Station. First of all, didn't we Americans pay for a good chunk of the main Russian-built component? And didn't they fail to meet the construction deadline anyway? And hey, weren't we Americans against that Tito guy's little space soiree? Man, the more I think about it, the more it seems as though the cold war has retrenched itself up there in that supposed symbol of international camaraderie. Well, at least we know those clever Pizza Hut marketers are getting their money's worth. In fact, according to anonymous Lowbrow Lowdown sources, Pizza Hut will soon be sponsoring the iron shower curtain in the service module.

Child's Pay
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Inculcate Before It's Too Late
"You American's have such humongous bulbous penis!" Flattery will get you everywhere, and as featured in a South Park episode, the fictional heads of the Pokemonesque Japanese franchise called Chinpoko Mon, knew it. In fact, by repeating this phallic phrase (download the hilarious .wav file), they convinced the parents of South Park that Chinpoko Mon's brand brainwashing schemes were on the up and up. Sometimes I wonder whether this sort of fallacious fluff-up is ever employed when marketers need parental permission to study children.

As revealed in a 6/6 Bizreport piece, some research marketers are doing stuff that begs the question: have the parents and guardians themselves been brainwashed? Take the goings-on at the Crayola Factory museum in Easton, Pennsylvania. There, trained Crayola comrades engage in observation operatives, inspecting the children at play in the museum's PC Adventures computer room. Back when first-grader Jonathan Maragia of Jersey City visited the museum, "Crayola officials" watched over him and his classmates in order to test Crayola's computer games. So, did the kids' parents sign-off on this part of his aducational fieldtrip? No, says the story, but the students' teacher OK'd the data harvesting. Gee…that's comforting. Rumor has it this is the same teacher whose students mysteriously excel at reciting multiples of eight.

Hey, it's a good thing school is over. Now kids can get escape those ad-ridden public schools and head for the great outdoors, right? Nintendo's got just the place for them. Well, it's not exactly outside, but it certainly is outside of reality. It's Camp Hyrule, and according to the article, "it's an information gold mine" for Nintendo's camp counselors, each of whom leads a group of 100 kids in an online, weeklong camp experience each August. Hyrulers are awarded with trinkets like posters in exchange for their participation in the camp which is named after a video game kingdom. Only the first 2,000 registrants are admitted to the virtual camp. I'll admit, at first I was quite disturbed by the idea of a brand submersion camp such as this. Then I realized it's online. Plus, considering the Hyrule fansites we came across which allude to 3am "Bonfire" chats and official Princess Zelda campfire songs written to the tune of Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise, most of the "kids" the article refers to are more than likely adult gamer dweebs. Whether they're kids or adults, somethin' tells me they'd be less indoctrinated while attending Camp Taliban.

Crayola and Nintendo ain't got nothin' on the Barbie branders at Mattel. They've got their very own Barbie.com board of directors, none of whom is above the age of 12. All in all, the company has enlisted 26 members of the Barbie brigade; the average age is nine, and three of the li'l lab rats are only six. No worries…what they lack in years, they make up for in precious marketing research data. In fact, their ideas and comments nearly drove the entire site design process for Barbie.com, according to the story. What does Mattel do to pry the info gems out of the munchkin marketers? Well, as noted in the article, they pay the kids an undisclosed amount of piggybank filler. In return for the cash (no doubt spent on Barbie gear or Mom's growing collection of Precious Moments figurines), Mattel solicits the kids' opinions via email every few weeks. And then it's on to an hour-long phone session between each kid and Mattel execs. Can you imagine an hour-long phone conversation with a six-year-old? A performance of Who's on First? starring Joe Frasier and Kirk Douglas would be less tedious.

To some, these research strategies may seem pretty harmless. However, parents should be made aware of the big picture before they sign on the proverbial dotted line. Folks who bring kids to the Crayola Museum should be notified that they'll be treated as more than just visitors, they'll be treated as guinea pigs. The same goes for guardians of Nintendo's underage Camp Hyrule participants. As for the parents of Mattel's Barbie.com board of directors, what could they be thinking? In exchange for a few bucks, these people are condoning the company's capitalization of their children's thoughts and ideas, all the while enabling the branding of these malleable minds with the notion that some silly toy franchise is a significant part of life. And you thought Jon Benet Ramsey's parents were exploitative.