Federal Fashion Victim
We Americans are fickle folk; we get bored with the same ol' same ol'. Take the classic Fourth of July gathering. Grandma's wobbly gob of Jello jigglers, the local oldies radio station's insistence that American Pie is always number one on the "Star Spangled Countdown," Uncle Jerry's oft-repeated "Thumb-launching Fireworks Mishap" anecdote: they're enough to drive us all to a state of All-American ennui. That's why, just like any classic product brand, without a bit of newness thrown in from time to time, tradition can go stale. And if there's one obvious icon of Brand America that could use a makeover, it's gotta be Uncle Sam.
Throughout history, and across the globe, his image has symbolized the U.S. Federal Government as everything from fearless protector of democratic freedom to archetype of capitalistic tyranny to stubborn nationalist to bureaucratic taxman. The thing is, through all of that, Uncle Sam has been too preoccupied to update his appearance. The Lowbrow Lowdown Lackeys have decided that like it or not, his old get-up has got to go. Yep, they've come up with a whole slew of hip looks that are bound to get Sam some serious attention:
Uncle Slam
When the feds need a hand, Uncle Slam helps lay down the law with punishing ferocity. His popular catchphrase is "life, liberty and the pursuit of pain." His finishing move is known as The Bill of Might, and his tag team, The Executive Torture Committee featuring Miss Mountains Majesty and Senator Slaughter, made history when they snagged the Intercontinental Freedom Federation title belt on last year's Independence Day of Doom.
XSam
XSam is all about freedom to the extreme. He's a road-rule defying bike messenger by day. His first attendance at Burning Man was back in '98, and he has a sweet tattoo of a Bald Eagle on his scrotum.
*NSAM
At age 6, *NSAM won over the hearts of Americans by performing his a capella rendition of My Country 'tis of Thee on Star Search. He collects memorabilia from his fave sitcom, Benson. His fave theme park ride is Bubbles' Wild Ride at the Neverland Valley Ranch, and he dreams of being emancipated from his parents at the U.S. State Dept.
Uncle Tran
Uncle Tran is pre-op, but don't tell. When she was a kid, she used to dress up like Betsy Ross. She never leaves the house without her toenails painted red, white and blue, and her ultimate fantasy is to do Ronald Reagan while wearing Nancy's red dress.
'05 Update: Now that Reagan's passed on, Uncle Tran's got her sights set on a Karl Rove/Jeff Gannon three-way.
Da Unc
Da Unc ain't no scrub. His macked-out, All-American '57 Chevy gots mad sub-woofers for extra-phat bass. He always keeps his shorties in line, and you know he's rockin' the red, white, and blue toof.
