8.1.01
Bearers of Bare Tidings
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Gettin' Postal on Your Ass
Since email has been widely adopted, the fine art of letter writing is being slowly relegated to the history books, along with whittling and employing derogatory ethnic terms in public. It's lamentable, but take heart in the fact that the analog postcard is bound to survive digital doom.

Perhaps the greatest contributor to postcard perpetuation is the promoter. These days, it seems city-folk can't use a public restroom without being bombarded with a display of promo pictures for things like movies, liquor and breath mints. In some areas of Britain, even prostitutes advertise their wares via cards posted in phone booths. So, it seems only natural for The Brooklyn Academy of Music (BAM) to go the postcard route to promote its film series, The World According to Shorts. The problem is, BAM's promo cards may be a bit too au natural.

According to a July 28 New York Post article, BAM's mailings did not get past the stringent scrutiny of officials at a Staten Island post office. No, the post office's refusal was not based on a deep hatred for obnoxious Food TV personality, Emeril Lagasse. Rather, the postcard image (a still from the film, A Heap of Trouble) was deemed inappropriate for mailing because it displays the bare backsides of nine men. Word has it that eight arses are the limit.

"Plans called for most of the cards to be placed in racks in restaurants and other public areas -- and 5,000 to be mailed," notes the story. Stresses Postal Service spokesman Tom Gaynor, "The postal code provides that the public should be protected from receiving unsolicited, sexually oriented advertisements." BAM ended up concealing the mailed cards in envelopes. Hey, call me kinky, but I like my sexy photos when there's still a little something covering up the naughty bits, too.

Yet again America's puritanical past rears its empty head. This image is anything but lascivious. As shown above, it's a far-away shot of a bunch of middle-aged, near-naked dudes standing in the road. They've even left their socks and shoes on for chrissakes! If the SI postal officials think that's going to get anyone hot and bothered, they ought to refuse to accept Publisher's Clearinghouse mailings featuring those ultra-hot pics of Ed McMahon, too.

Man, you've got to love the fact that sending something with a bare derriere on it is offensive, but thrusting endless streams of unsolicited, invasive junk mail on people is perfectly legal. Who, exactly is this ruling meant to protect, anyway -- mail sorters and carriers? C'mon, they don't seem to pay any attention to what's on any other mail; why would they notice this? Well, no matter what the basis for the decision, BAM got a little ink out of the mini-fiasco, which is a good thing, if the organization wants to be associated with naked bums, that is. I'll admit, though, this escapade has got me concerned: no, not about the prudish moral authority in the U.S. I'm just worried that those postcards depicting"crack kills" postcards that I sent to my grandparents, featuring a photo of an oversized, plumber's butt-crack, didn't get delivered.

Carosell of Progress
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This Green Gets the Nader No
There's a mechanical rendition of an old timey feller, a new fangled electric lamp glowing beside him. Slowly, the stage turns to reveal an updated scene. Wires crisscross from wall to wall as appliances whirr and hum with the promise of an even more electronically enhanced tomorrow. This is the Carousel of Progress. Perhaps the most tedious of all-ages attractions at Walt Disney World, it offers park-goers who refuse to wait in line for another damn thing a glimpse at the past, present and future of technological innovation.

Ever since its 1964 World's Fair debut, the Carousel had a dominant sponsor in General Electric, and you'd better believe the audience knew it. GE influenced decisions from design to content. In 1993, when GE decided against renewing its sponsorship, nearly everything from the name of the ride to the theme song (the original has been reinstated) to the dialog was transformed.

Sure, sponsors seem to have a knack for corrupting artistic vision, but that's the ultra-commercial Disney World franchise we're talkin' about. This is The Smithsonian. As featured in a July 19 New York Times story (Smithsonian Museum Close to Naming a Hall for G.M. by Elaine Sciolino), The Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of American History plans to take a thirty year ride with General Motors; that is, if the $10 million donation deal is approved. What's the catch? Museum director, Spencer Crew, has revealed that the Hall of Transportation could be known as the General Motors Hall of Transportation.

Needless to say, Ralph Nader has used the announcement as yet another launching pad for his anti-corporate preach-fest. According to a July 19 Commercial Alert release, Nader comments that "If the Smithsonian needs money, it should come either from government funds or from non-profit foundations with no ax to grind and no desire for naming rights." I suppose there would be no problem if the Anti-global Guerrilla Rebel League for Justice sponsored the Hall of Revolution. They would have no ax to grind -- just a hammer and sickle.

According to the spin, GE will have absolutely no influence on the project. Stresses Crew regarding the America on the Move exhibit, "The content and preliminary design for the exhibition…was a long way in place before any fund-raising was done." Bill Noack, a GM company spokesman, also ensures us that "General Motors would have 'zero input' in the exhibition's content," according to the article.

Here's where it gets interesting: apparently, the Smithsonian secretary, Lawrence M. Small, has been accused of the ol' quid pro quo himself, resulting from an exchange of a $38 million gift to the museum from the Catherine B. Reynolds Foundation "on condition that it finance a hall of fame to honor American achievers." This is a poignant reminder that corporate marketing goals aren't what's really at the root of the Smithsonian's dilemma. It's those satanic sums of money that rule, be they (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) offered by multinational companies or Miss Havisham of Anytown, USA.

Let's ponder that for a moment. If Nader-affiliated institutions such as Commercial Alert, or other non-profits were to sponsor a Smithsonian exhibit, would that money be 100% string-less? In his reactionary paean, Nader notes that "The Smithsonian does not exist to serve as an extension of corporate public relations departments," Note the qualifier: corporate. How about if a financial supporter of The Green Party were to drop his write-off wad on a Smithsonian exhibit dedicated to the relationship between American society and the earth? Or, what if Greenpeace or Amnesty International were to sponsor the Smithsonian? Then again, why would they when that money could go towards more misspelled return address labels?

Nader continues, "There should be a congressional investigation into the numerous corporate payolas and alliances in recent years with the Smithsonian in order to determine how to disentangle this storied Washington institution from the tentacles of corporate commercialism." An investigation? Golly, Mr. Nader, that doesn't sound like a prudent use of government funds, or time. Shouldn't we be using that money and energy towards reducing carbon emissions or something? Here's a solution: the Nader Raiders can sponsor the investigation. Or better yet, they could put their money where their mouths are and sponsor the Smithsonian themselves.

X-treme Gaffe
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All the News That's Fit to Slurp
Do you ever wonder how certain stories make it to the news airwaves? Sometimes the notion that newsworthiness is a decision-making factor at all is dubious. Consider this excerpt from an infomercial in current events coverage clothing for example: "If summertime makes you think of long hot days and tall cool drinks, your local 7-Eleven has an offer for you. The convenient store's offering what they call the X-treme Gulp. Three lbs. of your favorite refreshment in a giant insulated mug. It's huge, it's red and turns heads on busy city streets." I'll admit that anything that's huge and red and turns heads is bound to have some sort of impact on society, but this just indicates that news coverage is degenerating at a much more rapid pace than any of us may have imagined.

Some of you more cultured types may be thinking to yourselves, "When I hear plebian-pleasing pap like that, I give my NPR membership card a little squeeze and thank God for public radio." Well, folks, that excerpt was from no local cable affiliate news report. That excerpt was U.S. tax dollars and NPR donations hard at work. Yep. On July 13, an in-depth, 3 minute, 30 second look into the world of the 7-Eleven X-treme Gulp ran on National Public Radio's All Things Considered. Talk about a PR manager's ice-cold, refreshing wet-dream.

Following the ad-copy-ridden introduction (shown above), I hoped for some sort of catch: the insulation contains toxic materials and X-treme Gulp gluttons are dropping like flies; the homeless community of D.C. has begun living in igloos built from X-treme Gulp containers; thanks to their purchase of an X-treme Gulp, a young boy and his father were able to buoy themselves to shore after a tragic boating accident -- something. Instead, listeners were subjected to banal interviews with X-treme Gulp purchasers.

"It holds a lot," commented one astute 7-Eleven clerk from downtown Washington. Another clever customer expressed concern about restroom proximity: "I actually don't know how big my bladder is, but it's definitely not this large." In a syrupy spun talk with the 7-Eleven category manager for slurpee and fountains, John Ryckevick, he suggests that since the X-treme Gulp won't fit in a car cup holder, "The best way to do it is to seatbelt it in the seat next to you." At this point, I'm expecting the story's reporter, Linda Wertheimer, to reveal that what's just aired is, in fact, a comedy sketch presented by some wannabe National Lampoon's satire troupe. Alas, she did no such thing.

Can you imagine what went on at that editorial meeting?

Editor: So, Linda, whaddya got? Wertheimer: Well, don't get me wrong, I've been dying to do this report on the plight of The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. I'm also following a story about the lost art of maggot snorting in the Hunan province of China. The thing is, I just got the most intriguing press release from 7-Eleven about this enormous mug that holds like three lbs. of soda. Editor: Oooh - really? 7-Eleven, huh? I oughta pick one of those up to store my giant crayon in.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Sponsor Scorned
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They'll Get Their Money's Worth if It Kills You
Sponsorships and sports go together like Dick Cheney and heart attacks. From pro player spokesperson deals to little league team sponsorship, sporting events and athletes are brand-building vehicles. Even horse racing fans will have to bear the presence of branding on jockey uniforms in the near future. Hey, as long as the spirit of the game prevails, most people can tolerate the oversized billboards and awkwardly-named venues, right? That seems reasonable, but when that spirit is overshadowed by the ads, it's a whole new ballgame.

At first, many Columbians were disappointed when the South American Football Confederation (CSF) cancelled the Copa America Tournament. However, according to a July 14 piece in The Economist (Gold and goals), a series of bombings and the kidnapping of a tourney official (allegedly by FARC, the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) gave the CSF little choice but to halt the highly anticipated event "on security grounds." Anonymous Lowbrow Lowdown sources reveal that the kidnapped official was mistaken by FARC guerrillas for a team mascot.

Though perhaps a bit confused or resentful, Columbians rejoiced when the CSF flip-flopped back to its original plan: to let the games go on. It turns out that potential violence was the least of their worries. The wrath of MasterCard, Coca-Cola and Telefonica was what was really keeping the CSF up at night. As noted in the article, "Traffic, a Brazilian company that had sold television rights and sponsorship [to the companies] said it would sue the CSF for $50m over the postponement." (Hmmm...I think Traffic should sue Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones for defamation of character.)

So, in the end, the lawsuit threat superseded the violence threat. Of course, going to an international football event is about as risky to one's person as dating a Democratic Representative from California. CSF had that covered, though. They hired bomb experts, marksmen and an additional 20,000 police. The question is, were those extra police deployed to guard game attendees from harm, or to protect outdoor Coke ads from vandals?

The Youth Are Getting Naked
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Abercrombie & Letch
As my eyes widened with surprise and guilty delight, mom entered the room. She was not happy. You see, the Duran Duran video I'd just purchased contained some footage that wasn't exactly appropriate for a 6th grader. We'd have to return the video and reprimand the store clerk for selling the tape to a minor. To tell you the truth, I wasn't too thrilled about having to take the tape back. Let's just say that as a sheltered kid, inquisitive about sexuality, the underwear section of the JC Penney catalog wasn't cutting it for me. It's just too bad Abercrombie & Fitch wasn't around when I was young.

As featured in a 6/25 PR Week report, A&F has attracted some negative attention from Illinois governor Corinne Wood. She launched a boycott in 1999 after her 14-year old daughter received a sexually explicit A&F catalog. Once the raunchy retailer began mailing catalogs in opaque wrappers and requiring proof of age for purchase, she curtailed her protest efforts. And then A&F's 2001 XXX Spring catalog was released. Now she's back with a vengeance, complete with website, organizational support and lots of press coverage.

Despite her actions, A&F is still pluggin' away. Consider its 2001 Quarterly Catalog. As highlighted in curiously attentive detail on the American Decency Association website, the catalog alludes to the opening 121 photos as "a sizzling pictorial to whet your appetite for the coming months..." Later it comments on summer: "Long, hot, wet, sticky, sweaty, sexy and oh-so pleasurable, it's the season of baseball, bikinis and sex on the beach."

The American Decency site notes that typical catalog pages advertising A&F garb don't begin until page 122 of the 280 page mag. What could possibly fill those initial 122 pages? Take your pick: Page 4: topless female; Page 22: male rear nudity; Pages 108-109: three completely nude males; Page 117: topless female, wearing only panties. Man, they don't leave too much up to the imagination do they? I wonder if the pages come stuck together, too.

I'd venture to guess that A&F planned it this way. Think about it: The fact that a bunch of uptight adults are protesting A&F will afford the company more long-lasting brand appeal to rebellious teens than it could have possibly hoped for otherwise. Hey, remember what happened when Elvis shook his hips and all the old squares denounced him? Come to think of it, if this is the sort of thing that piques kids' interest, we ought to get Abercrombie & Fitch to publish a few math textbooks, too.