11.8.02
Staff Infection
-- OR --
Identity Card Crisis
"Anything is possible, as long as you imagineer it!"

"Work is play!"

"Tofutti break today!"

This vapid workspeak comes courtesy of Greg Sniper, a character played by David Cross of the comedy show Mr. Show. Sniper's just the sort of ponytail-wearin', cycle-ridin', soy-based frozen dessert munchin' feel good corporate manager of tomorrow who makes unemployment seem appealing.

Sadly, the fictitious twit and his loathsomely idealistic slogans are based on reality. Phrases such as "It All Begins With Me!" are invading the minds of staffers who, blasphemous as it may be, just wanna get paid. A 10/16 Wall Street Journal column (Cubicle Culture: Worker Slogans Find a Home On This Side of Great Wall, by Suein Hwang) features a few instances of the workplace phenomenon.

Employees of Saturn, General Motors' "new kind of car company," wear inspirational ID tags printed with various corporate catchphrases. Cards promoting Saturn's environmental policy read, "CROP: continuously improve, reduce waste, obey the law and prevent pollution." According to the story, a company spokeswoman claims that "90% of the company's workers -- herself included -- can recite all four principles."

Wow! Who knew a car company could prevent pollution? Evidently regurgitating such refrains not only chips away at workers' individuality; it deteriorates their ability to detect irony.

eBay's in the brainwashing biz, too. Laminated cards display the founders' principles, "We believe people are basically good....We believe everyone has something to contribute."

Hmmm…they left out, "We believe we'd be out of a job if it weren't for late-night, alcohol-fueled bidding wars."

Even smaller outfits are doin' it. The article mentions a team morale boosting effort recently perpetrated on Florida's North Broward Medical Center employees involving blue ribbons bearing the happy mantra, "It All Begins With Me!" Evidently, hospital workers have doctored their ribbons to read, "It's All About Me!" Unnamed Lowbrow Lowdown sources report that North Broward Medical Center candy stripers' ribbons have been altered to read, "It's All About Pee!"

According to the article, Parker LePla, a consulting firm, believes that ID slogans such as these "reinforce 'brand tools,' " and "can build a work force of 'brand champions' who will go out and proselytize the greatness of their employer and its product."

Perhaps a cynic such as myself is not a prime example of the average employee; still, I can't help but wonder why people simply doing their jobs is not good enough. Why is their unified enthusiasm required too? Don't get me wrong. I firmly believe that when somebody's paying me to do something, they deserve my full effort (and sometimes they even get it). But a bunch of empty exclamations won't make it happen. Decent pay and a modicum of respect for my skills and abilities will.

Either that, or let me wear jeans to work and hook me up with a few beers on Friday, say, around 4-ish.



Taxation Trichinosis
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Hog Farmers Suey the USDA
Let's face it. Regardless of our right to vote and voice our opinions to elected officials, typical Americans don't have a whole lot of say over how our tax dollars are spent. If we did, we'd probably think of more efficient ways to appropriate Federal funds than spending them on marriage promotion and Dr. Seuss memorials.

It could be worse, though. We could be hog farmers.

As reported in a 10/29 AdAge.com article, since 1986, US piggy purveyors have been required to pay the Department of Agriculture "checkoff" fees of 45 cents per $100 worth of swine sold. Not a penny goes to the Russian playwright. However, a plump portion of the $46 million to $48 million raised annually through those fees go towards ads promoting pork, including the well-known "Pork. The Other White Meat" campaign. A recent billboard push features cliché parodies such as "Life is just a bowl of porkchops." and "Time flies when you're having pork."

From beef to dairy products to cotton, the fruits of our nation's farmland are the center of many a marketing campaign, thanks to mandated fees such as these. The thing is, plenty of farmers and ranchers consider these payment requirements to be unfair. Some even claim that they're unconstitutional.

The Campaign for Family Farms is one such group. The organization representing small hog-farmers filed suit against the USDA claiming that "the ad campaign, from Interpublic Group of Cos.' Campbell Mithun, Chicago, for the National Pork Board promoted processed meat, not the hogs that the family farmers it represented sold." Now, US District Judge Richard Enslen of Michigan has backed up their contention through a court order to halt collection of funds starting Nov. 24. Apparently, this case has gone back and forth in the courts since last year.

It comes as no surprise that the National Pork Board, official overseer of the checkoff program, thinks the porcine payment requirement should remain intact. As featured in a 10/31 IowaFarmerToday.com piece, its VP Craig Christensen believes the fees to be "an investment in pork's future" and claims The Other White Meat campaign "has changed the image of pork over the past two decades."

Swine wrangler Dale Leslein thinks otherwise. In the IowaFarmerToday.com report, he opines, "This promotion is putting no money in the farmers' pockets. We've been supporting meatpackers' products."

Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman, who also overruled last year's referendum to abolish the checkoff fees, is "disappointed" with the latest decision, according to the AdAge story.

So, besides being the basis for a number of second-rate late night talk show one-liners, has The Other White Meat campaign really made an impact? As featured in a 5/1/00 story on the Meat Industry Internet News Service website, since the campaign launched in 1987, US pork production has increased 37% and we've begun exporting pork products; yet US consumption has gone up only about 2%. If Americans are eating only 2% more pork after 13 years, the ads haven't spurred a whole lot of additional pork packing. Chances are the production boost has more to do with trade agreements than TV ads.

Either way, the success of the ads is irrelevant. The problem lies in the compulsion of farmers to support a campaign they have no wish to support. Imagine if the Department of Energy were to force cycle, skate and sneaker shop owners to pay for ads promoting fuel-free transportation. Not only are these types of fees unjust because they single out certain industries (and, in turn, help fund others like the advertising, publishing and broadcast industries), no choice is afforded the fee payers in terms of how the money is spent. Rather than compelling all hog farmers to support the ad campaign, wouldn't it make more sense for the USDA to offer incentives to farmers who do, or at least allow farmers to have more control over how the checkoff funds are allocated?

Or, at the very least, the Federal Government should quit its selective ad taxation by requiring all priests, wedding planners and divorce lawyers to pay a marriage promotion tithe.



French Fry Revolution
-- OR --
Let Them Eat Moderately
In my neck of the hood, it's not an irregular occurrence to see a mother forcing French fries or M&Ms down her toddler's throat. Usually the feeding is accompanied by some misguided justification, like, "C'mon, boo, ya gotta eat yo breakfast."

Purveyors of junk food have gotta love this type of behavior, right? After all, it's smart to learn 'em young. Not only does it build up the immune system; it builds brands.

McDonald's France doesn't see it that way, though. The firm has actually launched a campaign to promote (gulp!) moderation. A 10/30 Yahoo News article reports that ads developed by Euro RSCG, mainly for placement in women's magazines, tout the fact that McDonald's burgers "are made of 100 percent real beef and cooked on a grill free of additional oil" and "are part of a balanced weekly diet."

An ad placed in Femme Actuelle quotes a nutritionist who asserts, "there's no reason to abuse fast food, or visit McDonald's more than once a week."

Hey, that shouldn't cause much of a problem, even for McDonald's France employees. First off, the government won't allow them to work much more than once a week. Plus, most McDonald's locations in France have been demolished in anti-globalization protests anyway.

The Americans, however, ain't pleased. According to the story, Illinois-based McDonald's Corp., released a statement recently expressing its strong disagreement with the nutritionist's opinion. It read, "The vast majority of nutrition professionals say that McDonald's food can be and is a part of a healthy diet based on the sound nutrition principles of balance, variety and moderation."

Yeah, right.

A statement such as this is a broad generalization, if not a perversion of the truth. We all know that McDonald's slop isn't especially nutritional and is hardly healthy. But that's not the point. The point is that it's ridiculous that the fast food chain has been forced through fear of lawsuits to tell its customers not to buy its product. People are such spineless, weak-willed, over-consuming drones that if Philip Morris doesn't tell them that smoking is bad for their health, or Budweiser doesn't remind them to drink responsibly, or McDonald's doesn't insist that fast food should not be overeaten, folks will blame those companies for their own gluttonous inadequacies.

We've already had people suing the tobacco industry and fast food chains for this very reason. I'm just waiting for the corporations to start suing one another. I can see it now: The Airline industry could sue the fast food industry for expanding American asses beyond the size of its plane seats. Or maybe big tobacco could sue the film industry for the glamorization of smoking which has aided in the promotion of cigarettes, and in turn helped bring about the court decision against the tobacco companies. Or better yet, maybe they can sue the lawyers for a change.