12.20.02
The Christmasization of Commercials
-- OR --
Buy Humbug!
It's that time of year again. And damn it if advertisers won't let us forget it for a split second. Well, at The Lowbrow Lowdown, we've had just about enough of the patronizing holly jolly hoopla. But this year, rather than letting the annoyance with the falsified festivities fester, we've decided to put our petulance to good use. You guessed it: it's time for a little yuletide rant. Yep, just in time for the season of greed, we've put together a list of all the things about Christmas commercials that make us wish we could roast a few ad agency geniuses on an open fire along with our chestnuts.

Enjoy! -- but first, be sure to fix yerself a stiff drink and grab a few Official Lowbrow Lowdown Rock-Out Cut-Out Cookies before settling down to this not-so-long winter's rap:

  • Enormous bows on cars

  • Lame fruitcake jokes

  • Not enough gratuitous casting of midgets

  • Thinly veiled insinuations that diamonds = sex

  • Men in sweaters

  • Free Gifts of myrrh cologne with every purchase

  • Euphemistic references to Santa's Shanghai Sweatshop as "Santa's Workshop"

  • Gift of the Magi parodies

  • Smiling people in bathrobes

  • Perverse allusions to Santa's "South Pole" at this most blessed time of the year

  • Morgan Fairchild

  • Promotion of beer and liquor as anything but the only things that could possibly get us through the holidays

  • Defamatory portrayals of Blitzen as the 'naughty' reindeer

  • Generalizations of dad as someone who knows a wing nut from a brazil nut

  • Generalizations of mom as petty coveter of tiny boxes with red bows

  • Generalizations of kids as grateful or appreciative

  • More lame fruitcake jokes

  • 35-year-old "college kids" home for the holidays

  • Howie Long

  • Classification of every retailer, from department stores to the local bodega as "the one stop shop for all your Christmas needs"

  • Unbearably bad singing

  • Old men in white collared suits with young children on their laps

  • Not enough "Elves Gone Wild"

  • Keys that unlock gift-wrapped SUVs rather than ad agency imaginations

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    While best efforts were used in collecting and preparing the information contained herein, The Lowbrow Lowdown™ does not assume, and hereby disclaims, any liability for any loss or damage caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions resulted from negligence, accident or other causes.