12.6.02
Steal This Movement
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Robin Hoodlums
Leave it to today's poseur political activists to get it wrong. When protest leaders of the past suggested police arrest as way to elicit attention to a cause, they were referring to civil disobedience, not theft. But now, as if crooning Dylan parodies about the plight of the turkey weren't criminal enough, some anti-consumer activists may have been planning to turn AdBusters' answer to the post-Thanksgiving shopping frenzy, Buy Nothing Day into Steal Something Day.

An 11/28 Globe and Mail report predicted that a "more radical faction" of Canadian Buy Nothing Day do-gooders could engage in a repeat of last year's Black Friday performance during which "groups of rowdies swept through downtown Victoria, stealing merchandise and terrorizing shoppers and diners."

Police Sgt. Alan Cochrane claims in the article that "radicals are urging people to steal from corporations, steal from wealthy individuals and commit a variety of illegal acts instead of simply not buying things."

As featured on Vancouver's The Resist Project's website, "a few self-described anarcho-situationists from Montreal's East End" are encouraging pseudo humanitarian scum to "steal from the local chain book or record store," and even "Pilfer purses and wallets from easily identified yuppies and business persons."

The misguided missive announces, "Unlike the misplaced Buy Nothing Day notion of consumer empowerment, Steal Something Day promotes empowerment by urging us to collectively identify the greedy bastards who are actually responsible for promoting misery and boredom in this world." According to their Robin Hood-style semantics, "Stealing is just" while "Theft is exploitative."

The whole movement appears to have risen out of solidarity with "the millions of people worldwide who are too poor or marginalized to be considered 'consumers.'" Still, something tells me those underprivileged masses won't be seeing the fruits of the Steal Something Day Laborers any time soon.

In the end, these thugs are the equivalent of so-called pro-life advocates who threaten or kill abortion doctors.

Lowbrow Lowdown investigators were unable to discover examples of any Steal Something Day looting rampages by press time. However, at least we can be sure that the Steal Something Day delinquents will maintain their integrity when the plundering does commence. That's right. According to anonymous Lowbrow Lowdown sources, the crooks will wear pantyhose masks woven by free range silkworms and insist that only products produced by non-sweatshop workers earning a living wage will be stolen.



Potent Quotables
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Like Manna from Amazon
Call it a paradox of promotion. No matter how pure an idea, or how antithetical it is to commercial culture, in order to disseminate that idea broadly, the apparatus of the oh-so-evil capitalist industrial complex often must be employed.

And so it goes with the guru of world religions, Huston Smith. The preacher man's preacher is just trying to spread the good word about Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism and the other cults-turned-isms. However, evidently as far as he's concerned, there's no possible way for him to educate the theologically ignorant without selling books. And, Allah knows, there ain't no way to sell books here on terra without getting in bed with the virtual Beelzebub itself, Amazon. The problem is Mr. Smith is not pleased with Amazon's newest sales sermon.

A 12/4 Wall Street Journal piece (Amazon Uses Faux Suggestions To Promote New Clothing Store, by Nick Wingfield and Joe Pereira), details the online retailer's latest product recommendation scheme which offers shoppers "faux" suggestions that are "not based on the purchasing history" of the user as other Amazon product recommendations allegedly are. Multiple Lowbrow Lowdown searches on Amazon determined that the suggestions seem to be canned; just about every search turned up the same crop of recommended items including "Clean Underwear from Amazon's Target Store," "Arm Warmers from Amazon's Urban Outfitters Store" and "Cheetah Print Slippers from Amazon's Old Navy Store."

These vaguely droll suggestions appear below Amazon's sales page for Smith's "The World's Religions," along with countless other product pages, under the heading "Customers who wear clothes also shop for." As featured in the Journal article, Smith "called the cross-promotions 'a perverse act of consumerism...that pulls the rug out of one of the book's principal messages, which is that man does not live by bread alone.' "

In that case, Mr. Smith, I'll be expecting a check for $22.00 in return for the "bread" I forked over for your book five years ago.



Friends Don't Let Friends Bathe Drunk
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Suds Soak
Did you know? Besides its typical uses, drawing Crayola chalk lines around kitchen cupboards makes for a great ant barrier. And on top of adding that tangy zip, Miracle Whip removes white rings and spots from wood furniture. Plus, in addition to snorting, Jell-O acts as a superb hair styling gel, not to mention an extra-slimy wrestling environment. As for Reddi-wip…well…its best use doesn't even involve whipped cream.

It's nothing new. Advertisers are intent on getting us to use their products more than we already do. So, rather than devising new offerings, they often develop alternative, sometimes downright wacky uses for their current products.

That's what Klosterbrauerei, a monastic brewery in Eastern Germany is up to. As featured in an 11/27 Yahoo News story, the company is trying to spur sales of its hoppy hooch by promoting its restorative qualities. Claims Klosterbrauerei spokesman, Dirk Vock, "It opens up the pores, the yeast penetrates the skin and after 15 minutes your skin feels softer everywhere…. It is also a good remedy for people with skin problems."

Vock recommends three liters per bath, and ensures, "When you get to work, you won't smell like you've just emerged from the corner bar." That odor, of course, is better suited for the post-lunch hour return to the office.

What's Klosterbrauerei got over other brew brands in the bathing department? The article doesn't reveal that, but chances are, not much. That's OK though. If the marketing mensches at Klosterbrauerei can brand the beer as best for bath-time, more power to 'em.

It's just too bad Europeans don't bathe; maybe Klosterbrauerei would have a hit on its hands.



School of Soft Sells
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Brand Cram
Remembering what chapter to read for tomorrow's European History class can be tough. Devising a feasible cheating system for those brutal English Lit tests can be a real bugbear. Hell, even navigating the halls to locate the nearest bathroom can be trying. Is there any doubt? School's just an all around bitch.

The thing is, ditching is really only practicable two, maybe three times a week -- tops. So what's a conscientious truant to do? Read his student planner, of course. Soon, kids all over New York City will be doin' it. Yep. And complementing all those helpful study guidelines and hygiene tips will be none other than -- duh -- advertising!

According to an 11/18 AdWeek story, (Advertising Part of NYC Schools' Student Planners by Jack Feuer), upwards of 500,000 NYC middle and high school students, better known as tweens and teens to their marketing mentors, will receive a 144-page student planner complete with 30 national ads next year. Smart asses who read their student planners know that's around one ad for every five pages!

If it weren't for branding benefactors such as Snapple, The New York Times and Con Edison, those books, published by Hicksville, NY's Quality Planners, would cost the school system $6-7 per 1,000 units. As featured on the company's website, the planner offers a class schedule, a grammar guide, maps, math formulas, an Internet guide, a phone book, study tips, science tables, and plenty of room to jot down all those homework assignments that will doubtlessly be completed promptly before dinner and family sing-along hour.

In fact, the site boasts, "Students and teachers alike are enthusiastic about its ability to be customized in a variety of ways to promote school spirit and convey positive messages." Surely NYC planner advertisers, Snapple, Con Edison and The New York Times don't mind the promotional aspects of the books, either. After all, they're willing to plunk down $28,500 per ad page.

A statement in the AdWeek story from (get this) NYC's chairperson of the Chancellor's Committee for Approval of School Advertising, Michael Coneys suggests that the city may get more from the advertisers than planners alone: "We are very active in trying to go after alternative revenues," he says. One wonders what a chairperson of the Chancellor's Committee for Disapproval of School Advertising might say to that.

It's not clear whether the school system gets anything out of the sponsorships besides free planners. Either way, this represents yet another coup d'ecole by the ad industry. Think about it: these planners serve no real purpose for students. The books that don't get relegated to bottomless backpack pits or sent into locker limbo will most likely be forgotten by most kids within a week or two of distribution. The only ones who will actually bother reading the planner's "useful tips on how to organize their schoolwork" are the dweebs who already organize their schoolwork. In effect, the planners serve as endorsements of specific advertisers by the schools, tightening the already cozy embrace between schools and commercial forces.

The least they could do is provide students with truly relevant planning information, like how to scam the lunch lady out of a second Twinkie, where's the best spot on campus to deal crack, and how to incite a teacher's strike. Then again, I went to Catholic school, so what do I know about useful student planner subjects? The only student planner I ever got featured a list of stuff I couldn't wear and an essay on how kissing causes AIDS.

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