9.27.02
Birth Patrol
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OB-GYNot Get Knocked Up
"Run…don't walk." "Hurry!" "You can't afford to let this pass you by!" "Time's 'a wastin'." "Don't wait another day!"

Since the dawn of salesmanship, man has been poked and prodded by urgent directives such as these. Whether selling miracle elixirs or adjustable mattresses, it seems the words, "Don't wait -- buy now" have always been on the tips of hucksters' tongues.

What about "Don't wait - conceive now"? The phrase doesn't have as much of a familiar ring to it, does it? Well, that could change if Dr. Marcelle Cedars of UC San Francisco Medical Center gets her way. A 9/4 feature on NPR's All Things Considered tells the tale of the good doctor's push for procreation. In conjunction with American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), Cedars aims to "educate women about the risks of waiting too late in life to conceive a baby." The only problem is, getting media outlets to run the ads seems about as likely as immaculate conception.

As seen on the organization's website, the Protect Your Fertility campaign "focuses on risk factors such as smoking, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), unhealthy body weight, and advancing age" and their negative impact on fertility rates. One ad reads, "An unhealthy body weight may prevent you from having children." Another displays a baby bottle in the shape of an hourglass and proclaims, "Advancing age decreases your ability to have children."

Not surprising, the National Organization for Women (NOW) objected to the campaign message. As heard in the NPR report, NOW's VP Membership Terry O'Neill cut down the ASRM ads, stating, "Absolutely it's important for women to know about fertility, but my concern is that they need to have complete information and it's not clear that an ad campaign put out by someone who has an axe to grind is going to give women the complete health information that they need."

That's an interesting response from an organization that makes no bones about its stances on various female health issues like tobacco use and breast augmentation. Then again, I suppose NOW has no axes to grind, just a few glass ceilings to shatter, bras to burn and balls to crush.

ASRM got the cold shoulder when attempting to get the ads placed in shopping malls and movie theaters, too. Apparently, the PSAs weren't "mall friendly," had "no entertainment value" and didn't contain "happy environment graphics" as mentioned in the organization's site. So, the fertility fanatics have had to relegate their ads to college health centers and public clinics.

Maybe what's really at the heart of ASRM's ad troubles isn't the message content or intent. Essentially, the organization is promoting healthy living: don't smoke, watch your weight, practice safe sex. The problem is that in a world where unwanted pregnancies abound, promoting pregnancy, especially with such an urgent tone, can be seen as misguided whether it's a valid message or not.

After all, lots of teens and young women (the target audience for these ads) already have living proof of their fertility. Even if they don't have any children yet, they've spent their school years being inundated with messages about the importance of preventing pregnancy. The last thing they need to hear is that smoking, drinking and other unhealthy behavior could inhibit their ability to become pregnant. They'd be puffing away in a second. Hell, I wish I would have known sooner that smoking and drinking can prevent conception; I could have saved a bundle on birth control pills….

Although I see that this aspect of reproductive health may deserve more attention, it's tough to believe the ASRM put money into this campaign. I mean, everybody knows that it's harder to get pregnant when you're old -- it's harder to get laid!



Pocket Rocket Protectors
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Saving Ryan's Privates
In this day in age, if you still believe that technology simplifies life, chances are you think Luddite is a type of construction material.

And maybe Levi Strauss can sell you a pair of pants. According to a 9/12 article on The Register, the company plans to launch a new line of Dockers trousers for paranoid mobile phone users. "The phone pockets are lined with a special material, which tailors say will prevent radiation from phones reaching the skin," notes the story. The Register's translation: "Levi's trousers protect your testicles".

They could cost up to 100 quid a pair (that's around 150 US dollars). They may seem worth the price, but on second thought, how many pairs of these things will the average guy want to buy? I mean, most people who have cell phones carry them everyday, not just on the days they're wearing treated trousers. When you think about it, protecting those boy bits may be a futile effort once the ladies notice Mr. Mobile's been wearing the same pair of pants for the past two weeks. Ewww....

The new Dockers, which will come in a variety of colors, may guard the gear from radiation, but according to the report, Levis "isn't saying that radiation from mobile phones is dangerous or anything…it's merely responding to customer concerns about radiation emissions from mobile phones."

And what of the effects of that pesky radiation on the ol' medulla oblongata? Perhaps Levis figures its new safety slacks will protect against that as well, considering the fact that most men's brains are in their pants anyway.



Charm Bracelet Offensive
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Avon Their Nerves
A few months ago, Jehovah's Witnesses in the small town of Stratton, Ohio received some good news. The town's law preventing door-to-door solicitation without a permit was overturned by the US Supreme Court. That meant the religious group could continue to engage in their common practice of doorstep preaching. Unfortunately, the Filipino Muslim extremist collective, Abu Sayyaf, never heard about the Supreme Court ruling.

As featured in an 8/23 Independent News report, Abu Sayyaf members didn't appreciate the fact that six Filipino Jehovah's Witnesses had taken to the streets of the southern island of Jolo. Not only had they come to spread the word of God, but to sell "Avon cosmetics and herbal teas". In a brutal response to the Christian (and perfume) proselytizing, two of the solicitors were beheaded by Abu Sayyaf rebels.

Surely these deaths are horrific and disturbing. Yet, also unsettling is the fact that neither the precious peacefulness of Avon's Angelic Harmony™ Barbie® Doll, nor the tranquil scent of Avon's Calming Breeze gift soap could sway the killers from their cruel intentions. If only Avon sold a line of mood soothing stinger missles, they may have been spared.



Revisionist Toy Story
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Life's Long. Play Old.
It was an overcast evening, and Steve and I had planned to meet at one of NYC's best dives, Mars Bar. When he arrived, he revealed his amazement at what was on display in a local store window. It was none other than the prized G.I. Joe Command Center.

"Man, I wanted that thing so bad when I was a kid" he exclaimed with fervor. "I wanted the Aircraft Carrier even more. I remember staring at the toy store ad that came in the Sunday paper for hours. There was a picture of this kid kneeling over the thing and the ship came up to his chest -- it was so big! I never got one."

Little did the younger Steve (already the proud owner of God knows how much other neglected junk) realize as he coveted that carrier, there were bored kids in China who were lucky if they were allowed to play with a pile of dirt or some dead rat's tail for a few minutes before Little Red Book memorizing time.

Now, all that diversion deprivation is driving an adult toy trend in China, and I'm not talkin' remote-control peckers or edible undies, either. Lately, some fully grown Chinese are kicking back kid-style, with board games, blocks and teddy bears.

As featured in a 9/12 Wall Street Journal story (In China, Adults Find Comfort As Toys Become More Available by Leslie Chang), "Toy companies and department stores are carving out a niche selling adult toys, ranging from chess sets to brain-teasers and puzzles, with some setting up toy membership clubs and even 'toy bars' to encourage adults to play."

Take Red Drum, a young toy company that makes a third of its playthings specifically for grown-ups. The frolicking firm sells its wares at about ten department store counters and in a stand-alone shop in Beijing.

And it's all very chic. The China edition of French mag, Madame Figaro recently printed an extensive article called "Those Childish Adults," which, according to the Journal piece, featured "a list of 'Top Eight Cartoon Characters' and interviews with style mavens showing off their stuffed animals and board games." Adult-aimed comic books are all the rage, too.

Still, as a result of their play-less pasts, the majority of Chinese adults need a bit of prodding before they're ready to take the great fun leap forward. Red Drum store displays encourage shoppers to try out the merchandise. Toy-seller Beijing Totem Commerce Inc. ran a marketing campaign to promote toys as stress-reducers and problem-solving assistants, set up a club of 10,000 members, and "even established what it says is China's first toy bar in downtown Beijing." As if we need people playing more games in bars….

Even though my idea of recreation may not be what it was when I was a wee-one, I can appreciate the desire to reclaim some lost play time. I know people my age who still relish an afternoon of Lego construction. Hey, I've been known to bunker down on the living room floor with a few tubs of Play-doh and some silly thoughts; only nowadays there's a gin and tonic rather than a drink box beside me.

Surely, play can help us tap into otherwise dormant ideas or emotions. Still, China's newly amused adults will never truly recapture their youthful imaginations or innocence. Of course, for some Chinese, tossing a Chairman Mao doll over the side of a Great Wall play set just might be immensely gratifying.