4.16.04
Promotional Correctness
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That's Annoye
Picture a high school television drama featuring a wheelchair-bound shop teacher, multiple gay students, a redwood-hugging sea turtle saver, a cancer-addled media studies teacher and a Bollywood-themed semi-formal dance. It's Degrassi, the newest installment of the sappy Canadian series that began in the '80s as Degrassi Junior High. Not only is it one of my favorite guilty pleasures, it just might be the most P.C. vice I'll ever have.

So, I had to chuckle when the writers managed to employ a ridiculous Italian immigrant stereotype in an attempt to expose the evils of stereotyping queers. After running into his in-the-closet son on his first date with a boy, the roly-poly papa insisted on taking the fellas to dinner (even though he'd already eaten -- you know how those Italians just love to mangia). Whilea Papa wasa eating hisa pasta hea wondered howa the fruity waiter coulda lifta the platesa witha such a limpa wrista. Silly dago!

Leave it to a marketing magazine to achieve an equally blatant display of ethnic stereotyping, while aiming to educate marketers to do just the opposite. A 3/1 Promo article answers past flagrancies that have incited Italian-American ire and bad press with tips "For successful promotions involving Italian culture." Not surprising, author Raeleen D'Agostino Mautner, Ph.D., cross-cultural psychologist and stereotype researcher, ends up stereotyping Americans of Italian descent in the process.

The story contends that "marketers continue to struggle with misperceptions" of Italian-Americans. Past offenses include a movie theater ad for Coca-Cola called "Mafia Madness," during which a "movie theater is taken over by mobsters," a home-shopping television program promoting Italian gold jewelry to the tune of The Godfather theme, and my personal fave, an Uncle Ben's Pasta Bowl print ad featuring the tagline, "Don't be surprised ifa youa starta talking likea this afterwards." What a relief. All this time I thought I'd sound black if I ate Uncle Ben's. Who knew?

The article suggests more acceptable ways to incorporate Italian themes including "acknowledge Italian heritage," "Nix the mafia, organ grinder, bimbo and fat housewife," and "No dummied-down English or phony Italian accents." It notes with no hint of irony that "Italian-Americans love food, art, music and family," and "Italian-Americans appreciate fine cars, clothes and home furnishings, and many can afford such luxuries." So, in order to appeal to these universal Italiano sensibilities, the story recommends that marketers offer premiums like Andrea Bocelli CDs "rather than 'Mob Hits'" or "Set up bocce courts, show how to make wine or give an Italian cooking demonstration."

By insinuating that all Italians have strong family bonds and love luxury items, what this so-called stereotype researcher has mapped out is less a subtle appeal and more a template for one of those overtly pandering Olive Garden ads.

I'll admit: my mom is 100% Italian, loves visiting Tuscany, dons gold jewelry (almost exclusively purchased via a home shopping channel, by the way) and even digs Andrea Bocelli. But she also loves country music and Bronte novels and can't stand Sinatra. In other words, to lump all people with Italian blood into any pigeonhole is just plain wrong. Sure, growing up, visits to my Grandparents' house often involved things associated with Italians, like homemade sauce, plates of pizzelles, gossip about local Catholic church ladies and even the occasional bocce game. But that doesn't mean I need some marketer to reconstitute my heritage, drizzle it with olive oil and serve it with endless breadsticks just to sell me a car or a can of soda. In fact, when marketers use cultural or ethnic references as campaign themes, I'm almost automatically repelled.

Then again, if marketers had any real spicy meatballs, they'd be equal opportunity offenders. What we need is more ads featuring stupid polaks, finicky money-grubbing heebs, lackadaisical dirty spics, drunken micks, and yes, fat wop criminals. Here are a few ad slogan ideas to start things off in the right direction:

Aquafresh: "If limey blokes like me evah bofahd to use toofpaste, we'd use Aquafresh, mate."

Volvo: "When you drive a Volvo, your safety is guaranteed. Even with all those dumb bitches and slanty-eyed gooks on the road."

The Patriot Act: "Hey, what's more frightening? The Patriot Act or that freedom-hating dune goblin across the aisle in seat 24A?"



Potent Quotables
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Extra Self-absorbency
Marketers are truly a breed unto themselves. The more I immerse myself in the wacky world of marketing, the more apparent this becomes. Maybe that's why the only way they seem capable of understanding their "target markets" is by observing us fascinating humans in our natural environments as if we're chimpanzees or reality show contestants.

The things they say make them seem even more detached from human reality. Take the curious creatures at Ogilvy & Mather's upclose and personal ethnographic research arm, OgilvyDiscovery. An April Fast Company feature tracks the work of OgilvyDiscovery researchers as they follow and film their willing subjects "to capture the telling moments that reveal what consumers actually do with products, rather than what they say they do."

Recalling one particularly invasive OgilvyDiscovery inspection performed for a Depend incontinence products study of women, one participant revealed "that she's never asked her husband how he feels about her condition," admitting, "Maybe I don't want to hear the answer to that."

As told in the story, a copywriter who had "confessed he was mortified to land on the account" intimates, "But now I have never felt more passionate about anything in my life. These women just reach out and grab you by the throat and make you want to make the world okay for them."

Imagine an asshole working on an incontinence product account; how's that for kismet?

Not only were the researchers able to uncover a little known truth about women -- that they don't like to talk about pissing and shitting uncontrollably -- some of these shithead surveillants actually delude themselves into believing they're fulfilling some sort of virtuous mission.

OK, seeing someone in distress because of an embarrassing ailment would make anyone feel sympathy, but how self-aggrandizing can you get? Let's remember: this guy didn't invent the adult diaper. He hasn't helped discover some new doody-disrupting drug. Nor is he easing this woman's mental anguish or physical discomfort. He's merely writing ad copy that might assist in the promotion of a product that, while it may ease her anguish and discomfort, she doubtlessly resents having to use. Talk about diarrhea of the ego.



Separation of Merch and State
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Autotorial Integrity
Back when I wrote record reviews for an obscure NYC punk rock zine, I loved conjuring up lame cliché statements like "Slap on yer high heeled sneakers and snap up a copy of this rawkin' slab now!" or "The ax grind on track three is more raw than a pound of E. coli tainted ground chuck." Hey, it was fun. Plus I got tons of free CDs out of it. Somehow I doubt the few people who actually read the reviews were concerned that my otherwise impartial viewpoint would be distorted by getting free merch or meeting the occasional band member.

Does the same go for auto reviews? A 4/11 broadcast of National Public Radio's On the Media featuring recent Pulitzer prize winner and Los Angeles Times car critic Dan Neil sheds light on the potential for bias in auto reviews. Observes Neil, who evidently is known for his no-holds-barred honesty, "The entire environment is incestuous....They fly journalists in and put them up at really nice hotels and, you know, treat them to experiences that they would never possibly in a million years, they, they wouldn't even be allowed in these hotels ordinarily....and that's not supposed to affect their judgment."

While he adds that these cozy connections often don't cloud auto journalists' judgment, he contends, "It is a compromised business, and it is also true that newspapers are under a great deal of revenue pressure on this score, and so yeah, a favorable editorial/advertorial content is often created to satisfy that need." Translation: car manufacturers and dealers buy a lot of newspaper ads so it's best not to piss them off.

As one who writes regularly for trade publications that rely heavily on ad dollars from the very companies featured in the editorial, I'm fascinated by this issue. Based on my experience as a reporter covering the interactive ad industry, media folks schmooze with industry folks all the time. Especially during the dot-com brouhaha, companies threw parties regularly, and the reporters attending them weren't necessarily there to get a scoop (besides maybe of some clam dip). While some reporters definitely keep their distance, others seem to be true proponents of the industry and perhaps even personal friends with key players.

I try to stay away from these networking fests, not as much to preserve my journalistic integrity, but because I'd rather be at home scrubbing the toilet than feigning interest in some dime-a-dozen product from "the industry leader in ad management solutions." Anyway, attendees have to abide by strict social codes like wearing uncomfortable business attire, and not telling racist jokes or spitting.

Sure, if car critics get promotional perks and hobnob with auto marketers on a regular basis, there's an appearance of bias whether it exists or not. Still, I can't help but blow this off as a non-issue. Whether they're bombarding us with TV ads or dangling the keys to next year's sports coupe at auto reviewers, marketers are constantly attempting to curry favor for their brands.

The truth is, no journalist is objective because no human is objective. We all have individual perspectives that are influenced by our personal experiences. Consider a member of the White House press corps covering the Iraq War who grew up as a military brat and has a jaundiced view of some army lieutenant who served with his dad, and a car reviewer with a deep-seated prejudice against Fords because the one her parents once drove was aptly named The Barfmobile in honor of her baby brother's puking prowess. Can we expect either to be entirely objective regarding all aspects of the subject matter they cover? Not really.

Reviews of music, movies, cars, tech gadgets or kitchen appliances should always be taken with a grain of salt since they are the subjective opinions of individuals, usually ones with prepossessions towards particular musicians, directors, makes, models or brands. Anyone who expects journalistic objectivity from a review may as well expect a balanced assessment of the Carlyle Group from The Nation.

And that's why the only possible way we can ensure truly unbiased journalism is by outsourcing all reporting jobs to Loompaland.