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8.1.05
Brigham Stung
-- OR --
Mormon Tabernacle Conspire
There's no question about it: some jobs can be downright degrading, even if you don't work at a massage parlor in Bayonne, New Jersey. In my younger years, I had an array of ungratifying gigs, from late night cod-batterer to tree-hugger nonprofit fundraising slave. Despite my skepticism of authority, there were few bosses who got under my skin quite as much as Mario. Mario co-owned a pizza joint with his brother, Franco. No, this isn't the plot of a Nintendo game, but if it were, Mario would definitely be the villain. Picture it: it's a frigid Friday night in Buffalo. I'm slogging away at the tiny wing station, juggling triple orders of medium and single orders of hot with a side of fries, maneuvering Styrofoam food containers and oversized wing-saucing bins, as the printer incessantly spews order after greasy order. An octopus couldn't keep up with the demand, much less keep the narrow countertop clean. No matter. Mario, in a perpetual rush, always went out of his way to sneer, "Hey, Messy!" every time he spotted me.

Talk about a Super Dick! But that's OK. He may have gotten his jollies out of demeaning a harmless college kid, but at least he didn't prey on my perceived weaknesses in a naked attempt to promote his business. That would be LogoWorks' claim to fame. The Utah-based marketing design firm had the audacity to create a billboard campaign to pitch an unwitting employee as potential date bate for the Brigham Young crowd.

As featured in an AP story on Yahoo News, 31-year-old and still-single Lance Archibald is apparently an anomaly among his Mormon peers, most of whom marry in their early 20s. So, his excessively concerned co-workers figured they'd perch his picture on a giant sign hovering over the interstate in an effort to get him hitched. The giant sign reads, "I'm Lance, Let's go out!" According to the DateLance website, he "had no idea" of their marketing machinations before seeing the billboard.

In addition to humiliating the guy without his knowledge, they didn't hesitate to emblazon the ego-deflating ad and accompanying website with the company logo. Oh, and did I mention he'd only been working at this place for six months before the campaign launched? And if these people hadn't overstepped their boundaries enough, they even secretly videotaped his reaction when driving past the billboard for the first time, and posted the video footage to the site.

As noted in the story, LogoWorks CEO Morgan Lynch explains that the idea to kick Lance in the proverbial nuts "kind of came out of discussions we had, that Lance is such a good guy but not married….Someone threw out the idea of getting a billboard."

Man, you'd think they'd have enough to worry about coming up with a logo for that new local hardware chain, Latter Day Paints.

Interested Mormon (and maybe even non-Mormon) maidens are sending in applications via the DateLance.com site, where they can choose among characteristics like "Mild-mannered," "Spiritual," "Patient," and "Scholarly" to describe themselves. What is this? A dating service or a casting call for Caroline Ingalls? The article continues, "'Team DateLance,' the cadre of friends and co-workers behind the scheme, are screening date applications." Let me get this straight: not only is Lance tolerating this affront, he's allowing a bunch of busy-bodies to choose his dates for him?

Hmmm...that sure adds a new dimension to the term "DateLance Submission Form."

And what does Lance think of all this? According to the AP report, he's "taking the attention in stride," but get this: he "says he's not bothered by singlehood." That's right. Lance comments, "I'm not overly concerned about (marriage). I'm pretty happy right now….I'd like to get married, but it's not a concern."

Well, too bad, Lance, 'cause your boss seems to think your sans-spouse status makes for a pretty good LogoWorks promo. Not surprising, on the LogoWorks-logo laden DateLance site, Morgan Lynch insists the campaign grew out of concern for Lance. "I knew the first time I met with Lance that I wanted to hire him, but that he'd be the only person on our marketing team without a significant other. I thought, What can I do to help Lance find true love?" Wow, talk about unwanted fringe benefits. Health insurance and a 401K will do just fine, thank you.

Who knows? Maybe Lance appreciates his coworkers' misguided matchmaking attempt. But the fact is, if the company didn't have ulterior motives, their logo wouldn't be plastered on the billboard or website, and they wouldn't feature a call-out for job applicants throughout the site. (Not that anyone in his right mind would consider working there after learning about Lance's experience.) Again, I can't get inside Lance's head, but from this observer's perspective, Lance may as well be stichin' pantsuits for Kathie Lee, 'cause this is what I call worker exploitation.

Well, I just hope if Lance ever does get married, he'll ditch LogoWorks. Otherwise, if he doesn't have kids in time to accommodate his colleagues' tight timeline, there's bound to be an "I'm Lance. Help me procreate!" billboard in his future. Yikes.

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