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7.3.06 Extreme American Makeover -- OR -- Red, White and Fabulous 
We may be at war, but these days when it comes to rallying troops, our beloved Uncle Sam has been superseded by slick marketing campaigns touting armies of one and Web games designed to inspire new recruits to leave behind the silica sand for the Iraqi kind.
Here's a thought: Maybe, if our national mascot were to modernize his look a little, re-brand his attitude a tad, he could recapture his relevance. The Lowbrow Lowdown Lackeys set out on a similar mission 'round Independence Day 2001. Sure, we realize the State Department has had more important things to occupy their time since then, but most agree the U.S. of A. could use an image makeover right about now. So, maybe this is the year Condi and Co. stop neglecting our ol' buddy Sam. Unfortunately, it's too late for Sam to display a newfound appreciation for world cultures by joining the U.S. team at the World Cup. That's all right. The Lackeys have come up with a new crop of ideas to show that Sam's not only hip to today's youth culture, he ain't no unenlightened rube, neither. Tio Samy Tio Samy recognizes the face of America is changing. And rather than stubbornly resist, he's embracing Latin cultures. He's all for singing the national anthem en Espanol. He's booked to appear on Sabado Gigante and El Gran Show next month. And at this year's Independence Day celebration, he'll be serving Guava-flavored Jello jigglers and all-American beef franks topped with mole verde. Tio Samy is also in production on his latest Reggaeton remix: Battle Hymn de la Republica (Shake that Truth). Generation S Generation S can't decide whether he wants to get rich by starting up the next MySpace killer, move to Brooklyn to open an all-vinyl record shop/grilled cheese-only diner or quit law school to assist his fellow Americans in the impoverished region of Appalachia. Either way, he'd rather live at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue forever than allow his soul to be sucked dry at some corporate gig. (He does have an application in at Whole Foods for back up, though, just in case his other plans fall through.) Metro Samuel Metro Samuel is totally in touch with his feminine side ever since he appeared on Extreme Makeover: Beltway Style last year. He's ditched that silly hat in favor of the bed-head look, and that haggard old-man visage he's been boring us with since men wore wigs finally has been revitalized. (It's amazing what a little exfoliation and sunless tanning lotion can do for a boy's ego!) Still, Metro Samuel's image consultants can't seem to convince him to replace that embarrassing old olive drab rucksack he insists on carrying around with the gorgeous suede Emporio Armani shoulder bag they scored for him at a Soho sample sale. Sam 2.0 Sam 2.0 is all about open source patriotism. He's not guided by any top-down imperialistic propaganda, oh no. Before creating any new slogans promoting liberty, Sam 2.0 consults his free-thinking social network to ensure the wisdom of the masses guides his decisions. Favorite new slogan: Give Me Net Neutrality or Give Me Death! Tags: Media Democratization, CGP (Citizen Generated Patriotism), Wikee Doodle, RSS (Radical Sam Syndication), Lincoln Meme-orial Send this issue of The Lowbrow Lowdown to a friend!
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