10.12.00
Infantile Edibles
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Burn, Breast Pump, Burn!
Young mothers across the globe are unfurling their bosoms. Dutiful dads are whipping up homemade breast milk chocolate cakes and cookies. And what about the babies? Why, the babies are licking their eensy-weensy chops in delight.

It's World Breast-Feeding Week; don't ya know? Just in case you haven't heard, the event's sponsors, the Ontario Human Rights Commission, the city of Toronto and the Infant Feeding Action Coalition (INFACT), have launched an ad campaign to promote the nippley news.

For the next month, Toronto's subways and buses will be home to mugshot-mimicking photos of wee-ones, accompanied by the message "Breast-feeding in public is not a crime." Other posters feature the copy, "Don't think of it as a woman's right to breast-feed. Think of it as a baby's right to eat."

OK, so how about a junky's right to shoot-up in public, or Uncle Smitty's right to pick his toe jam in public? Eeewww....

"Breast-feeding is a normal activity," states the national director of INFACT, Elisabeth Sterken, as noted in the 10/4 Yahoo! News release. "And women must not feel it's something they have to do behind closed doors."

Hey if these moms are willing to bear the ogling and gawking that their feeding frenzy may induce, more power to 'em. The sad truth is that for most Americans (and evidently Canadians), naked body parts invariably equal sex. And, as we all know, sex is just plain evil, not to mention messy. Yuck!

Advertorial Integrity
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No Ads Is Good Ads
Consider this an opinionated interlude. There's no story here, just food for thought.

Is it just me or is the insidiousness of advertising becoming prevalent beyond belief? I thumb through the latest diluted schlock pumped out by the Industry Standard, grok, and literally struggle to distinguish the advertising from the "editorial content." The garish colors, the sparse text layouts, the condensed information: they all add to the muddled monotony. I'm inundated with "advertising sections" as I graze the Wall Street Journal. And, in an attempt to scan through the slew of email newsletters received daily, be they in text or HTML formats, I'm amazed at the incessant sponsorship onslaught. Is there no end to this shameless plugging? Will we ever return to the days of unencumbered, ad-free editorial, or will "advertorial" slowly and stealthily seep its way into all forms of media?

I recently wrote a brief ad campaign case study (to be fair, I'll leave the names of the publication, agency and corporate client out of this) discussing the extraordinary click-through rates garnered from ad creative that mimicked the visual look of actual editorial copy. The mock news ad ran on The New York Times site and the creators were near bursting with pride in their accomplishments. Certainly I realize the reliance upon advertising revenue by the majority of publications, print and online alike. Must the seamless congruence of ad creative and editorial copy be such a regular occurrence though?

Hey, I'll be the first to admit that the integration of advertising and editorial is a clever way to attract an otherwise distracted audience to a promotional message. Plus, the fact that I contributed to the perpetuation of this idea by writing the case study could certainly be employed to counter my argument. However, I'd like to think that advertisers and ad creative folks are, first and foremost, individual human beings with personal scruple sets. Sometimes I wonder, though, whether they base their decisions upon virtue or dollar value. Sure, I realize that much of the mass public has little desire for journalism with integrity. For them, there are Fox News and Robin Quivers. On the other hand, perhaps it's time for those people in the advertising -- and publishing industries -- to step outside of their comfy bubbles and seriously consider the impact of the wondrous array of sponsorship opportunities offered today.

Think Globally. Act Humanly
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Planet Publicity
Quite often, I contemplate how I measure up to regular janes and joes around the world. No, really -- just the other day I caught myself wondering whether my upper thighs have more or less cellulite than those of a Tibetan nun. And when I prepared that kick-ass macaroni and cheese last week, I knew it was tasty, but was it really as good as that Tanzanian cashew farmer's tuna surprise? Hmmm...sometimes I'm just not so sure.

Imagine my delight when I discovered that 3Com and Harris Interactive have joined forces to ease my pondering pain. "Instantly compare yourself to the world," proclaims their new Planet Project site. It's home to the global survey which will take place November 15-18, according to The Register's 10/6 coverage. "The largest ever poll of Internet users" will inquire in eight languages, about all sorts of topics, from crime, politics and sex, to kids' stuff like aliens, helping strangers and keeping secrets.

The grandiose appraisal "will be conducted on the Web and in the field and will include 500 'Planet Pollsters,'" as mentioned on the Planet Project site. "These individuals will be sent to remote corners of the globe equipped with laptops, handheld computers, modems, and portable satellite up-links. These Pollsters will ensure that the voices of people without access to technology will also be included in the Planet Project."

Surely we wouldn't want to leave a single soul out of this earth-shattering production. It would be like removing a blade of grass from a sprawling lawn, or missing a contestant in the Sexiest Bachelor TV special.

"What's it like to be a human being at the beginning of the millennium?" That's the primary question driving this enormous undertaking. Well, chances are, the makings of a monstrously lucrative market research report may be the real reason behind the project. I can't wait until the pollsters discover that pinpointing the likes and dislikes of the "Homo sapien demographic" is a near impossible task. That is, unless they consider 46 chromosomes and opposable thumbs to be target-able characteristics.

Free Ads -- SayWhat?
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Talkin' Hard Times in Dot-com Town
"It's official. We're in the red." If your accountant, a.k.a. The Human Abacus, has dropped these budget-busting words on your dot-com firm recently, you may be living your own version of the ol' catch 22 situation. As they say, you've got to spend money to make money. So, how can you promote your business with an empty marketing change-purse?

Hold up: All may not be lost. A little corporate welfare could help get your company back in black again. And by corporate welfare, I don't mean tax breaks or campaign donor back-scratching. I'm talkin' free ads. Oh yes, if you can prove that your outfit has under a mil on the books, and expects to continue the high cash burn rate, FindWhat.com is on your side. Until December 31, the search engine will ladle out complimentary ad impressions at its online soup kitchen. The generous company is referring to the effort as the "Two Minute Warning Program." As featured in the 10/5 edition of The Wall Street Journal's Digits column, needy net firms "must have publicly announced layoffs or other drastic measures to conserve funds, and show they have been unable to raise money since."

This certainly is an intriguing move on FindWhat.com's part. Think about it. Either the company is extraordinarily charitable (not bloody likely), it's hoping to get a little ink, which can only serve to promote its business as long as the press is positive (getting warmer), or FindWhat.com anticipates a fallout of its own and hopes to woo as many allies (sites on which it can advertise for free, in exchange, someday) as possible while VC food stamps are flowing.

Hey, that's all fine and dandy, but do the banner hand-outs come with a block of FindWhat.com-issue cheese?

Stein of the Times
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Beer Barrel Politico Polka
Politicians say the damnedest things sometimes, don't they? Hey, they've got chutzpah, at least according to the "two" NY Senatorial candidates. As a rule of thumb though, here in the U.S., most talking heads try to refrain from light-hearted, alcohol or drug-related remarks. In Deutchland, however, elected officials are less than timid about gettin' into the drink.

Take Gerhard Schroeder, for instance. As he slaved away signing autographs last summer, the Chancellor gobbled a bratwurst, which evidently induced a hearty thirst. Recognizing his need for libation, the wiener-slobbering Social Democrat directed a strapping young plebe to "Get me a bottle of beer, or I will go on strike here."

"That was music to the ears of butcher-turned-comedian Stefan Raab," according to a 9/29 Wall Street Journal brief (German Chancellor May Have Future as Pop-Singing Sensation, by Cecilie Rohwedder). In no time, Raab's TV show had roused the rabble with the broadcast of a polka tune that samples the now unforgettable freestyle rhyme of "DJ Chancellor." The head-bopping ditty features DJ Bundeskanzler and goes by the name of "Hol Mir Mal 'Ne Flasche Bier." (Download the mp3 file) Soon after the tune's TV debut, "the program's Web site broke down under the flood of visitors seeking to download the song. Mr. Raab released the song on compact disk two days later -- it is expected to top the local charts next week."

Man, talk about an amazing PR move! Granted, Schroeder supposedly made the festive request without any publicist prompting, but imagine the boost in his likeability ratings. If Dubya and Dick were on the ball, they'd be distributing free copies of the "Major League Asshole" CD single featuring a bonus "Bigtime" Jungle mix track to every inner city record shop across the country right now! Until then, I guess we'll have to settle for Lieberman's Grandpa-style crooning.

A Real Reason To Hide Behind a Veil
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What's Next? A Pokemon-sponsored Bar Mitzvah?
Ahh...there's nothing like a good 'ol fashioned wedding to reaffirm virtue and tradition. How does that classic bridal phrase go -- "something old, something new, something branded, something blue" right? Well, some astute readers may notice a discrepancy, but as far as newlywed Natasha Allen is concerned, that rendition rings as true as the gold band on her dainty little finger.

Allen, like any other self-respecting sponsored sycophant, viewed her wedding last fall "like a business venture." Hey, marriage is just another signature on the dotted line after-all, isn't it? So, who could blame her for using her wiles to convince 15 businesses to supply free hitch-up goodies? As featured in a 9/24 New York Times story (Here Comes The Bride, And Her Sponsors, by Julia Chaplin), Allen "drew up a contract guaranteeing her sponsors a five-tiered 'presence' at her nuptials: their names were listed in the invitations, they were thanked in the programs and on the couple's Web site, 4-by-6-inch placards were placed beside their products, and brochures were displayed on a table. Needless to say they were all invited to the wedding."

Wow, Allen must have rented a large reception hall in order to hold the sponsor representatives as well as all those eyeballs, I mean friends and family members.

So much for an intimate ceremony. It's just too bad that the lovely couple couldn't have waited until September 1st to declare their undying love and devotion (I mean to one another, not the sponsors, silly!). If they had, the Wise County, Virginia courthouse could have streamed that life-altering event across the Web. You see, the li'l courthouse needs to recover the cash it spends for Webcast equipment, "which is used primarily to let inmates of two nearby maximum-security prisons appear in court remotely," as noted in the 10/9 Industry Standard print article (To Have, to Hold and to Stream, by Ronna Abramson and Dan Goodin). So, its new venture, Willyoumarrymeonline.com, is offering up video streaming services to happy siblings, I mean, couples, for 150 greenbacks. For big spenders, $750 will buy a Web page, hosting for six months, and nonalcoholic champagne.

Nonalcoholic champagne? How's a bridegroom supposed to get the trailer rockin' with sludge like that?