11.2.00
Zoom or Bust or Both
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Captive Audience Gets Pissed
"Be it Reader's Digest or Maximum Rock 'n' Roll, many of us consider it a necessity of life to have reading material at arms length while doing our business at home." So began Inside the Sordid World of Pen Pushin' Potty Squatters, a sloppy tale of "walls abounding in glib witticisms" I scripted for the 3/98 issue of the regrettably defunct Coney Island High Times. Hey, who doesn't relish the provocative graffiti missives that accompany those inevitable trips to the public loo? And from the messenger's standpoint, a weak-bladder-ed, captive audience is the best kind.

Of course, some messages are more readily accepted than others. Take Zoom Media's bathroom poster-ad onslaught, for instance. Personally, I find it more heartening to read something like, "Mike Stevens ate here" scribbled on the wall, than I do peering up at a health club ad picturing a man removing a woman's bra, accompanied by the copy, "Success is what you make it". According to an article in the October/November issue of Adbusters entitled, Zoom Doom it appears that students and faculty at the University of Montreal were also less than appreciative of their WC sponsors. A resignation letter bemoaning the Zoom ads from history professor, Thomas Ingersoll, was the final straw. He inquired, "How can I enter a classroom to give my lecture about the history of American feminism, when outside the door is superbly mounted an ad showing a fragile woman, vulnerable, nearly nude, ultra-feminine, hawking perfume?" All right, Ingersoll, enough of the egg-head talk. Was the chick in the ad hot or not?

Alas, that was the end for the $100,000 contract enabling Zoom to place its network's ads around the U of Montreal campus. Boo hoo, Zoom.

Perhaps the agencies developing these branded bathroom installations could take a hint or two from the insightful graffiti that's being replaced by their ads. It just so happens that a couple of the lurid wall-lyricisms featured in that Pen Pushin' Potty Squatters piece may serve as ad inspiration. For example, the Catholic Church seems to be in need of dogma-disseminators; perhaps the statement, "Satan loves ya," followed by its accompanying retort, "You are mistaken," could coax lost souls from bar to born again. And how's this for an exotic meat campaign slogan? "Taste baboon for the first time." Eeewww...look out, other white meat!

Coup d'ICANN
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Banish the Board Squatters!
Way back in March of this year, representatives of The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN -- They're the folks who, among other things, determine top level domains like .com and .org) met in Cairo. Their mission: convince the general public that the private-sector organization will actually allow the people to play a democratic role in the decision-making process. They even duped the unwitting citizens of the world into believing that anyone over the age of 16 with a valid mailing address could register to vote for the next round of ICANN directors. Phallic-ly referred to as "At Large Members," these seemingly empowered folks entered the virtual voting booth to choose five new directors. On 10/11, as featured in The Register's story from the same date, one representative from each of five global regions, Africa, Asia/Australia/Pacific, Europe, Latin America/Caribbean, North America, was chosen including a "grumpy libertarian" and an "anarchist hacker."

Taking hints from Yugoslavia's Slobodan Milosevic and Ivory Coast's General Robert Guei, those champions of democracy at ICANN don't wanna leave their cushy spots at the cyberspace roundtable. According to the 10/28 Register report, "Four of ICANN's founding 'interim' board members who were due to resign when their terms expired have been granted another extended period in office," although it was originally intended that elected members would replace them by 9/30.

Hmmm...perhaps if the newly-elected directors had pulled a Jon Corzine and spent over $60 mil on their campaigns, the upstanding ICANN clan would take them more seriously.

You can't say we weren't warned though. In fact, right now, a big "I told ya so" looms over the excruciatingly large head of "Governance expert" Michael Froomkin. In his document entitled, Wrong Turn In Cyberspace: Using ICANN to route around the APA and the constitution, (see the Register's 10/3 article) Froomkin asserts that through ICANN, a system was created by the US "in which social policy is made not by due process of law, but by something that begins to resemble government-sponsored extortion." Hey, and all along, I thought that was the Congressional legislative process!

Gussy Up That Trailer Trash
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My Pretty Mustache Wax Kit
By the time most glamour gals (and fabulous males) have reached adulthood, they've come to realize that there's more to makeup than caked-on blue eye-shadow and hot-rod red lip gloss smears. It follows that many have come to establish affinity for certain brands of cosmetics, fragrances, skin and hair care products. Or have they?

Could an unrecognizable Internet-only brand gain consumer loyalty among the beauty brigade? Well, customizing products to suit individual needs and desires could be beneficial. And, going that extra mascara mile by naming the personalized item after its ravishing recipient couldn't hurt. Oh, and a little backing from Procter & Gamble might help, too....

Beauty product developer and purveyor, Reflect, has taken this approach, and so far, the company has had reasonable success, as noted in a 10/23 Industry Standard story. "At Fine Fragrances," states the article, "Reflect's newest venture, users answer questions about the mood they want for their fragrance (sexy, bold, sporty), and select images they like best. This follows the main questionnaire in which customers select which bird they'd like to be and the kind of house they'd like to live in."

Reflect's Jonathan Grayson describes the face-paint proprietor's mission as based on the "idea of letting women decide what beauty [is] to them, as opposed to saying, 'This is the model for beauty to which you must aspire.'" That's an interesting assessment, considering the fact that he's hawking makeup for chrissakes! I wonder how long it'll take Reflect to start selling personalized diet pills and foot-binding kits.

Surely, plenty of women will gravitate towards the individualized Reflect concept. The thing is, once the novelty of the "my pretty lipstick" factor wears off, will consumers continue to buy Reflect products, or will they return to their cherished brands as prodigal powder puff purchasers? A discussion with an anonymous Lowbrow Lowdown source working in the cosmetics industry provides valuable insight. First of all, she notes that many customers base decisions on impulse and aesthetics as opposed to brand name and quality. Plus, the wave of the future could be moving away from the department store counter scene all together. Consumers are gravitating towards the boutique-like brick and mortar stores that specialize in beauty products and sell their own brands; Sephora is a good example. As the Lowbrow Lowdown source opines, targeting markets that don't have access to these real-world cosmetics shops, i.e. anywhere outside of major cities, will be key to Reflect's success. Of course, a celebrity spokesperson could really do the trick. I wonder if Tammy Faye Bakker is available....

Trade Show Faux Pas
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Internet World Ambush
The air was redolent of plush carpet and the stale breath of coffee guzzling conference goers. She seemed to materialize from out of nowhere, like the ghost of f**ckedcompany future. Startled, I turned towards her as she blurted, "What company are you with?"

"Oh man," I thought, as paranoia set in. "I hope she's not with the Internet World police. I'm gonna get busted for distributing Lowbrow Lowdown postcards in a pathetically low budget attempt at guerrilla marketing. Damn!"

"Can I give you a press package for my company?" she asked, perkily.

"Ah-ha. My fancy, ribbon-adorned press pass gave me away!" I realized. "Well, the kid's got chutzpah...."

So, just to humor her, I settled on a one-sheet press release. Let me tell ya, if I accepted the vast array of paper-cuts-in-waiting that people offer the press at conferences, I'd have to employ a press kit lugging entourage. And where would that leave my monstrous marketing budget?

Chances are, the mysteriously appearing PR pro had taken a gander at the 10/23 PR Week column on PR Techniques (The art of meeting the media at trade shows). Besides recommending contact with the press "at least four weeks out," Edelman's media supervisor, Elena Hart directs, "[D]on't just let the reporters find you -- find them."

Hey, that's great advice. It's just a good idea to approach press folk with a bit of respect, rather than startling them and proceeding to interrogate without so much as a precursory greeting. One wonders whether colleges ought to start offering courses in rapport or social interaction as prerequisites for communications classes. Or, perhaps journalism students could take KGB field trips to learn to lay low. Hey, there's always Whack-a-Flack to relieve a little press stress.

Toy-not-so-smart Story
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Adtasia
Those valiant protectors of family values over at Disney really care about the wee-ones. That's why when its majority-owned online toy store, toysmart.com attempted to sell its registrants' personal information as a bankruptcy liquidation asset, the mettlesome mouse came to the rescue scooping up the data lists like some Prince Charming liberating a damsel in digital distress.

Although the toy company got the proverbial toss under the bed back in June when it filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, "some of its commercials have continued to appear on TV in certain parts of the country," according to a 10/26 Wall Street Journal column brief (Commercial Viewing). Apparently, toysmart.com just can't be bothered gaining return on investment for piddly expenditures like television ad buys. As CEO David Lord nonchalantly expressed to the Journal, "Replacing them with another sponsor is too complicated and would take too long."

Man, can I relate to that! Sometimes when I go grocery shopping, I find it so much more convenient to leave the purchased goods at the end of the aisle, rather than heave them all the way home. I mean, who can be bothered?

Besides the overt wastefulness behind this decision, it also indicates a lack of creativity on the part of Disney's Imagineers. Sure, it may very well be a pain in the arse to reschedule TV ad placements. The thing is, if the folks involved can afford not to make the switch, couldn't they afford to put that ad space to good use? Perhaps a Tipper Gore/Joe Lieberman-pacifying PSA promoting Disney's dedication to wholesome programming could have run in place of ads for the non-existent business. Or better yet, they could have done us all a favor and filled that spot with dead air and a blank screen.