12.14.00
God Bless Admerica
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An Ad in Every Voting Booth
While first perusing Rance Crain's 12/4 Advertising Age column (Faustian bargain: Sponsorship may mean better vote counts), the words "voting machines," "ATM," and "brief commercial message" sprang from the page like so much ad copy spittle. I immediately tagged the article as potential column fodder of my own. Man, was I in for an inspirational delight.

Crain is disappointed with the belabored U.S. election process this year. He seems to think that ATM machine-style voting apparatus would have been the solution to America's current woes. Who'll flip the bill for a nationwide overhaul? Why, advertisers would, of course! Hell, as far as Crain's concerned, ads just might be the ultimate panacea when it comes to many government-funded public services.

In what seems like more of a threat of punishment than anything else, Crain begins, "If our archaic, mid-20th century voting machines could be replaced by state-of-the-art computer touch systems… but you had to endure a brief commercial message at the start of the process, would the tradeoff be worth it to avoid the unholy mess we've gone through since Nov. 7?" The sponsorship sage whines, "All marketers would want for helping to support this vast upgrade of voting accuracy is a moment or two of your time and attention.... What's wrong with that?"

Why don't we just dress the President in a Domino's Pizza uniform? Hey, I've got a great idea! Why not replace "Hail to the Chief" with a snappy, new jingle? "Hail to the Beefy, Juicy Taste of a Slim Jim" has a nice ring to it. That's sure to put ol' Crain in his happy place, while leaving even more appropriations funds for Congress to bicker over in never-ending sessions. Oh, that reminds me. Let us not leave our friends in Congress out of this branding bash. Can't you just picture Dennis Hastert and Trent Lott dressed as the Jolly Green Giant and Hawaiian Punch's Punchy? Come to think of it, it's too bad Newt Gingrich is outta there; he would have made a fab Michelin man.

Crain also wonders what the harm would be in "using the Golden Arches or the Pillsbury Doughboy to represent the positions of airplanes" in the air traffic control computer system. "It's surely no worse than Austin Powers' nemesis, Dr. Evil, shooting a Big Boy into space with the good doctor frozen inside," he opines incoherently. Let's disregard the fact that this analogy has absolutely no relevance to air traffic control whatsoever. It has no bearing on reality! It's a movie allusion for chrissakes! Plus, wouldn't attributing alternative meanings to corporate icons completely disregard their intended purpose of establishing brand identity? Come to think of it, let's replace the air traffic control symbols with confusing logos, and we'll see just how confident Mr. Crain is when he takes his seat on the first branded flight.

If the Bra Fits...
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Titillating the Target Market
Anyone who's ever seen an Oliver Stone flick, caught a moment or two of South Park, or been under attack by the sensibility offensive that is an Old Navy store, would probably agree that Americans are not what you'd call masters of subtlety. Could it be that our embrace of the overt has made its way across the Pacific? One look at Shenzhen, China's Haiya Departmental Store's recent campaign could serve as an indication.

It appears that the upscale shop is worried that foreign competition, like Carrefour of France, and the U.S. mom-and-pop-gobbler, Wal-Mart, will stunt sales. And so, in an attempt to keep from going bust, Haiya is on the lookout for the largest breasts in Shenzhen. Yes, according to the 12/5 Salon.com article, the melon-headed marketing team will award a free TV to the chestiest chick.

Apparently seven contestants are already in the running, even though "China's political climate is outwardly conservative, and generally frowns upon sexual attention of any kind," as noted in the story. Hmmm... that's odd, considering Mao Tse-tung boasted of bathing only in the bodies of his women.

Magnanimous mams aren't the only prized attributes in this campaign, however. In fact, free tellies will go to the "tallest man and woman, the man with the longest beard, the woman with the longest hair, the woman with the longest fingernails, the heaviest person and the couple who've been married the longest." Yet again, the woman who writes the longest sentences gets the shaft.

You'd think the machismo marketers would offer something a bit more appropriate to the knockout with the nicest knockers. This is a department store, after all, right? Surely the promotion could be more effective if items from various departments were represented. Why not give the filled-out femme a year's supply of designer bras, low-cut tops, or a back brace? Well, then again, T&A and TV make quite a pair.

eBay Gets Its Panties in a Bunch
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Auctioneers on a Selling Streak
Early entry and amazing branding power has enabled eBay to become synonymous with online auctions. Yet, as a prominent member of the Web world, it comes as no surprise that even eBay has a seedy underbelly. Well, it's got some dirty laundry to air, anyway.

Shameless eBay entrepreneurs everywhere have been cashing in by putting their pre-worn panties on the auction block. In fact, as mentioned in the 12/4 Industry Standard story, Marie Curtis "claims she's earned $4,000 selling those skivvies." The story continues, "Business is so good she's urging her fiancé to start selling his used Hanes briefs. 'Guys' stuff brings top dollar,' she adds." Something tells me her tighty-whitey-wearin' man would earn a helluva lot more undie-money on the ever-kinky Internet by streaking-up a few pairs of Marie's thongs.

Another naughty knickers-hawker featured in the story employs her friends to wear the 56 pairs of panties she purchases each week, and hires one to "do market research, scoping out competitors' auctions and testing how quickly they respond to his e-mails." Hmmm... I'll bet that guy charms all the ladies with a mere mention of his "panty bidding test specialist" position.

Either way, Curtis and her eBay cohorts may have to move to a more open digital drawer. You see, the auction site has announced that it will ban used panty sales, thus prohibiting pant-promoters from soiling its "family-friendly" reputation.

Our search on eBay by various keywords, including "used," "worn," "panties" and "underwear" reveals that the auctioneers are serious. Search results tagged as, "teen girls panties worn in photo" and "MSU college female used panties for sale" linked to a page that reads, "The item you requested is invalid or no longer in our database." The uptight site even went so far as to remove an auction item marked "LOOK NEW PANTIES (NOT ILLEGAL USED PANTIES)" from its database. Somehow, "Sexy Cremey Panties, New, Un Worn, Un Used" slid their way under the radar (and the spell check).

No worries…the Standard story mentions that those intent on enabling the pathetic existences of skivvies-sniffers have created ecommerce websites. In their search on Google.com, Lowbrow Lowdown Lackeys discovered that an array of opportunities for pungent pantaloon fans exists online. We also noted that the prized aroma of worn undies may be wafting its way into the already under-par brains of site developers, thus hampering their spelling capabilities. For instance, Knickermart.com lists "Underware" in its classified ad categories. In addition, what could be considered strangely appropriate, the purveyor of used panties, used pantyhose, "Boulder Holders-n-Bras" and "Stinky Socks," SaucyPanties.com, invites site visitors to "Meat The Staff"...eewww....

Here at the Lowbrow Lowdown, we know that undies worn by regular chicks is, well, passé. So, we've gone one step further to offer our readers a very special holiday item. That's right! Act now, and our exclusive reindeer fur panties will be worn by all of Santa's Elves before being delivered to you by the 25th! Don't delay -- order today!

Give All the Toys to the Little Rich Boys
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The Ads Made Me Do It
A slurp of radioactively colored yogurt can provide enough fruity fuel to defy gravity. The blast of an oversized water gun can transform any threatening authority figure into a drenched dweeb. Ample proofs-of-purchase from the right candy-coated cereal can win kids acceptance into the clique of their choice. Yep, it seems that all products aimed at the wee-ones can turn life's doldrums to downright delirium. They can also wreak havoc on parental control, not to mention parental sanity. At least that's what director of Commercial Alert, Gary Ruskin believes.

As featured in the 12/7 Commercial Alert email newsletter, Ruskin and contributing editor of The Washington Monthly, Jonathan Rowe, collaborated on an article for the 12/3 edition of The Charlotte Observer (Kids Are Obedient -- to Advertisers). Noting the intrusive marketing tactics of the toy industry, and the increasing focus on targeting kids by marketers in general, the authors opine, "Christmas cheer for advertisers means nagging, pouting, insecure kids throwing tantrums until their parents relent.... If you doubt this, listen to what your kids are nagging for this holiday season and then ask yourself 'Where did they get that idea?'"

Resorting to extreme scare-tactics, the story goes on to stress, "The results of this obedience training are pretty much what you'd expect: whining and hyper-stimulated children, fights over gifts, family strife and stressed parents." What is this - a Cain and Abel Christmas Story? I mean, growing up, my Christmas mornings weren't Norman Rockwell moments or anything, but this portrayal is a bit extreme, isn't it?

The commentary ends with a call to action: "The time has come for some disobedience -- commercial disobedience. If we really value kids and families -- and Christmas itself -- we will start to disengage from the psychological miasma that the advertisers have launched upon our kids."

Hey, I'll admit that in many cases, I view marketers' targeting of kids as repulsive, particularly when advertising invades schools. On the other hand, the notion of parents using advertisers as scapegoats because they can't establish authority over their own children is completely delusional and pathetic. The thing is, it's no secret that kids are targeted more heavily around Christmastime than any other. However, aren't we all? I mean, if I lived my life according to recent holiday advertising messages, I'd be buying everything from a new SUV to some deep-fried McDonald's Dollar Menu slop simply to relieve my unbearable shopping stress. That's why, in order to protect the addled minds of America, I propose that all advertising be banned between the months of October and January. This way, we can ensure that children and adults alike can experience the true spirit of the most sacred, hyper-commercialized, consumer-driven holiday in history.

Anatomically Challenged Ads
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Fiscally Sound Ken Doll Alternative
He ain't a great American hero, but he's got a kung-fu grip on your bank account. He's "Action Teller," Washington Mutual, Inc.'s latest ad campaign component. As featured in the 12/4 Wall Street Journal brief (Latest Action Figure Stands Ready to Serve All Your Banking Needs, by Paul Beckett), the dolls sell for $19.95, and were created to "stress that [the bank's] tellers are its stars."

The customer service rep doll "sports a cellphone," dons a blue oxford shirt and chinos and also comes with a white polo shirt, khaki shorts and tote bag. Apparently, the doll is on display in one of the bank's TV spots "showing a small boy receiving a teller doll for Christmas," notes the Journal story. "Unwrapping another present, he declares, as any small boy would, 'I hope it's a loan consultant.'" Who the hell is this kid, anyway -- Alex P. Keaton?

The teller doll is cool and all, but I'm really looking forward to the bank's next offering, "Action Vagrant." Word has it that his favorite pastime is loitering just outside of the bank. He'll come complete with urine-soaked sweatpants, change-filled paper cup and empty bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 (grape flavor). His ATM playroom will be sold separately.

According to the Washington Mutual press release on its website, the ads are part of an ongoing campaign "featuring teller trading cards and even Regis Philbin being snubbed as customers rush to get a loan consultant's autograph." The dolls are "available in several different gender and ethnic combinations," too. Evidently, the bank considers customer relationships to be "the key to brand loyalty," as mentioned in the release. "Making the Action Tellers come to life is a fun way for Washington Mutual to respond to an unexpected demand and once again laud their tellers, but it also makes sense for business."

We at the Lowbrow Lowdown think that the Washington Mutual marketing department could be onto something. So, we've created our own official Lowbrow Lowdown Freelance Writer Action Figure. She wears faded jeans and a crumpled, button-down shirt, and comes with an additional T-shirt that reads, "I Like the Pope. The Pope Smokes Dope." In her satchel can be found a newspaper, mini tape recorder, notepad, press pass and empty wallet.