eBay Ad Rant
Auctioneers’ Call to Arms

“I look at eBay everyday and never even noticed an ad!” says a not-so-observant eBay regular. The man who spoke with the Lowbrow Lowdown on condition that he be referred to by his eBay alias, ‘DrManhead’ doesn’t seem to mind the auction site’s recent decision to accept advertising from major outside retailers. In fact, as far as he’s concerned, if eBay needs to run ads for revenue’s sake, so be it. “I use the site all the time and want it to stay around. I can’t be bothered looking at other auction sites.”

Tell that to Michelle Stevens. As reported in a 6/12 USA Today piece, she scrapped her office manager position to peddle baby products on eBay. She claims to be selling around $2000 worth of the ba-bas and blankies each month, but Stevens is concerned that ads from companies like Mattel could hamper her business’ success.

"We feel like we're going to be trampled," she comments to America’s favorite dumbed-down paper.

And Stevens isn’t the only one. Karen Young, purveyor of shipping supplies on eBay, kvetches, "It's no longer a user-to-user auction site, it's a place to go and find advertising for the big boys."

Boo-hoo...maybe Stevens can give Young a pacifier to make it aw bettaw. On the other hand, is the promise of ad dollars really worth eBay undermining its loyal customers?

In an open letter to its "Community", eBay writes, “We need to support the additional costs of the continuous and substantial investments in our technology, customer support and in our marketing initiatives. We only have a few ways to generate revenue, including increasing fees, developing strategic relationships and by selling advertisements.”

In other words, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too, you ungrateful whiners! It’s like gassin’ up your car or payin’ your taxes. If you want the fire, you need the fuel, folks.”

Besides, most eBay dealers cater to a niche audience. Would a banner ad for “Shop@AOL.com” really attract the attention of ‘Prudy Clementine,’ cat knick-knack wacko, or ‘Freaky Frank,’ maven of Mr. Men books? It's not bloody likely.

Ain’t Singin’ for Spuds
Subculture Ad Sell Out

When the Who and Hendrix performed Radio One jingles, and beer companies began sponsoring summer tours, most people (besides Neil “sponsored by nobody” Young, perhaps) shrugged in indifference. It’s only natural when well-known, commercial acts press flesh with ad execs. However, to any fan of music’s underdogs, it’s a shock to the system when TV’s latest car ad features a song she thought she’d only hear emanating from her own original vinyl pressing or the occasional dive bar jukebox.

The Stooges classic “Search and Destroy” puts a nihilistic touch on a Nike ad. The Ramones’ ever-present hit, “Blitzkrieg Bop” adds bounce to a Budweiser spot. Even the ultimate left-wing political propagandists, The Minutemen, have joined the ranks of artists providing musical backdrops for ads. Take it from me, hearing the Buzzcocks’ “What Do I Get?” blaring from the idiot box conjures memories of discovering that the New York Dolls front-man is the same guy who sings that annoying ‘Feelin’ Hot, Hot, Hot” song. It ain’t pretty.

FEED's culture editor, Alex Abramovich knows the feeling. He’s investigated the phenomenon in a recent editorial. His reasoning: “While Gen-X finds itself in the money, and in the market for luxury goods, yesterday's indie musicians (whose status in the subculture came largely from paying no attention to the mass market at all, except to mock and scorn it), grow older, but not wealthier.”

Let’s show some sympathy for the devil’s advocate, though. After all, the bands aren’t writing songs for the ads; they’re just making a few bucks off of some old tunes. Where’s the harm there? Surely it’s more acceptable than those awful song parodies a la ‘cheese glorious cheese’ and the ubiquitous bastardizations of James Brown’s ‘Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag’ and Donovan’s ‘Mellow Yellow.’

Plus, in the Buzzcocks' case, the Brit-power poppers weren’t even given a choice in the matter. As noted in an interview from the most recent edition of indie-super fan mag, The Big Takeover, lead singer Pete Shelley admits, “[W]hen I first heard about it, I asked [our manager] about it, and he said, ‘I’ll get in touch with the publisher.’ So he did, and they said, ‘We know nothing about this.’ ”

If this is the normal procedure, perhaps we can assume that Johnny Rotten was under duress when he agreed to appear on Judge Judy’s show.

Domino Delusion
Pizza Pie Co-dependency

Domino’s PR team sure is working overtime. The company actually has the meatballs to claim that, following each of three Portuguese goals during Monday’s Euro 2000 match, saddened British football fans sought solace in none other than sloppy slices of Domino’s pizza pie.

As Brits stressed over their 3-2 defeat to Portugal, Domino’s sales rose 35 to 40 percent that Monday night. "All of the big peaks (in sales) coincided with a goal being scored against England," confirmed a Domino’s delegate in the 6/13 Excite News story.

Hey, it may come as no surprise that the less than epicurean footy fans chose to indulge in the disaster that is Domino’s pizza, but since when do the British take comfort in a slice? What ever happened to bangers ‘n’ mash, non-biogenetically-enhanced kidney pie or a nice spicy curry? Hell, when I was living there, the only place to get a pizza was run by Pakistanis who sold it with hummus on the side! Come to think of it, maybe a chain restaurant slice isn’t such a poor choice after all.

Domino’s would be daft to ignore the clear opportunity to capitalize on this make-news. Chances are, at this moment, the company is creating a campaign that centers on the parallels between Domino’s Heat Wave technology and warm fuzzy feelings.

I can hear the voiceover now: “Are you feeling depressed about the fact that England’s few culinary contributions to the world include smoked ham & pickle-flavored crisps and wrapping food in newspaper? Buck up and have a slice; you’ll feel better.”

In related pizza promotion news, Space.com reports that Pizza Hut's million dollar proton rocket ad stunt may be stalled at the launch pad, if The Russian Space Agency (RSA) and the Space Marketing Center (SMC) have anything to do with it. Check out the full story.

Indulgent Moms and Materialistic Munchkins
Marketers Facilitate Toddler Coddling

Hey, moms: Are you sick and tired of your babies smelling like...well, babies? Never fear! According to a 6/9 Wall Street Journal Article, there’s an exquisitely packaged bottle of scented delusion to disguise every offensive whiff! Take your pick of product lines catering to the toddler who has everything: There’s Mustela of Paris, Honky Tot’s Inc. of California, Chicco of Italy, and even Burt’s Bees of North Carolina. And don’t forget the extra special wee-ones; they deserve Bubbe’s Best’s “Bubbe’s Special Cream for Special Tushies.”

Is there really a demand for these products, or do marketers create the demand? “I think it’s somewhat of a guilt thing,” opines Adelle Kirk of consumer-products consulting company, Kurt Salmon Associates, in the Journal story.

It doesn’t end at the eau de toilette, though. Some vicariously-costumed moms indulge in haute kid couture from Baby Dior jumpers to logo-laced Gucci booties. “Women, enamored of fashion but without access to personal stylists or inflated wardrobe budgets, insist just the same on dressing their newborns like modern infantas or, likelier still, Lilliputian versions of themselves,” writes Ruth La Ferla in a coincidentally complementary New York Times 6/11 piece entitled, “Dressing Up Mini-Me.” In fact, the story reports that consumers dropped $7.9 billion on baby buntings last year alone.

“It’s a thing of pride,” for Annabella Cacioppo, a freelance publicist for Ralph Lauren who’s featured in the NY Times article. She reasons, ”You wash your car, you polish up your baby.”

I wonder: Whatever happened to a lickety-split spit-shine?

If this pattern proliferates, by the year 2050 we’ll be a nation of perfumed and pampered pansies! Kids like these are bound to succumb to catatonia once they come in contact with the inescapable hearty odors and icky sights of early youth, like kid-in-the-back-of-the-room kooties, cafeteria-lady mustache, and sawdust covered vomit. Anyway, what’s wrong with a little baby stink? That which doesn’t singe your nostril hairs only serves to make you stronger!

Cash, Carry ‘n’ Campaign
This Li’l Baggy Went to Market

According to another anti-ad rant courtesy of Salon.com, unadorned shopping sacks, as well as those familiar, “Thank You, Come Again” grocery bags may soon be a thing of the past. Red Herring has been the first to take up “Bagvertising” as demonstrated in its recent promotion featuring fish-emblazoned shopping bags that read, "Want a great job? Get hooked on Red Herring.”

Moses Abughosh, president of San Francisco’s Smart Bags, is leading his wayward flock of advertisers from the confinements of today’s oh-so-limited marketing options into the oasis of bag branding. Apparently, Abughosh’s brilliant scheme to reel in the Herring in the hopes that the magazine behemoth would attract new clients into his net, worked.

Salon’s senior tech writer Katharine Mieszkowski reports that, “some 40 companies have approached SmartBags since the Red Herring bags first appeared....”

SmartBags says that 500 Bay Area stores have agreed to distribute the free promotional pouches, and if the company achieves its mission, by the end of the year, 5 million "bagvertisements" will be seen nationwide each week. So far, Httprint is next in line for a $25,000/200,000 bag run; CyberGold and LookSmart may follow.

So, what’s next - hag-vertising? I think it’s about time we got Joan Rivers to hawk something other than that cubic zirconia-laden QVC junk she calls jewelry. Come to think of it, if it weren’t for her addiction to cosmetic surgery, she might also make a good candidate for sag-vertising!