Die with Your Bytes on
Take the Hassle out of Visiting the Dearly Departed

Has guilt plagued your weary soul ever since Memorial Day, when you neglected to visit your loved ones' gravesites? Well, here's a cheery thought: There's a brand new type of gravesite you can visit to ease those woes.

Yes, that's right! HeavenlyDoor.com will lift your spirits and your cash all at once! According to a June 19 New York Times brief, the one-stop-shop for all your posthumous needs, from e-sympathy cards to "high-end" urns, is just a click away. This biz actually looks legit when compared to the kitschy gothic stylings of burymeright.com, though (see the 6/9 Lowbrow Lowdown coverage).

Already enjoying the greener pastures of going public, HeavenlyDoor.com has recently announced deals with SympathyFlowers.com and Classicmemorials.com, purveyor of "memorialization products" like the Dynasty Resurrection granite grave memorial, and the Bronze Ocean Wave keepsake urn.

Don't forget the B to B! Hawkers of caskets and embalming fluid will be able to vend virtually to funeral homes by this fall via the sobering site.

Wow! This is what I call a lifesaver! No longer will I have to endure those dreary drives to the cemetery with the family. It's virtual visits from now on, folks! I'll cruise over to the HeavenlyDoor, pop in my credit card number, take a quick gander at Grandpa's grave, and go about my merry business -- guilt free, I might add.

Hell, he's dead anyway, right?

[Editors note: The Lowbrow Lowdown may be in limbo for the next week or two since a sudden system failure has resulted from a freakish bolt of lightning striking the premises.]

Promotional Pugilists
Ambush in the Outback

In the good ol' days, folks respected advertisements. With folded hands and furled brows, they calmly listened and read the marketing missives of yesteryear. Nowadays it's ambush this and guerrilla that. At any moment, ruffians could emerge from the gutters and alleyways with one singular intention: To wreak havoc on your campaign work. It's time to take control!

Kim Skildum-Reid has come to the rescue -- well, sort of. According to the June 9 Ad Age story, just in time for September's Sydney Olympic 2000 sponsorship bombardment, the author and consultant is "leading a series of workshops to take attendees step-by-step through the selection, planning and implementation of a successful ambush."

"So what good is she?" you ask? Well, she seems to be a member of the "if you can't beat 'em, stoop to their level" brigade. Hey, if Nike can get away with it, anybody can (see the 5/19 Yahoo! News story).

In the article, Skildum-Reid notes that sponsors can only blame themselves if the dreaded ad ambush strikes. "It's time we stop blaming the ambusher for taking advantage of a sponsor's weakness and start teaching the sponsors to protect themselves."

Potent Quotables: Got Mo' Brand Than a Texas Bull In an interview with a cranky Howard Stern this Wednesday morning, hip hop icon, founder of Def Jam records, and the new site, 360HipHop.com, Russell Simmons noted the phenomenal impact that hip hop culture has had on branding. "Levi's lost millions because hip hop said so," he said to Stern assuredly.

You thought your outdoor campaign was beyond budget before, but just wait 'til you tally the costs of that intensive Aikido training and those Chuck's Rent-a-Bruisers you ordered.

Really though, you've got to admit, Skildum-Reid does have a point. I mean, certainly you can't place blame on the schoolyard bully for tormenting his weaker piers. The artistically inspired child cannot be held responsible for defacing mommies' white plush rug with gooey lipstick. And so it follows that marketing hooligans can't be taken into account for destroying the property of law-abiding, paying advertisers.

I could go on, but the discussion would simply degenerate into a rant on Aussie stereotypes.

Analyst Shuns One-to-One
Data Triad

Can the industry police itself when it comes to online privacy? And more important, will the bennies include free donuts?

Well, I'm sure some affiliate partnerships with Krispy Kreme and Dunkin' Donuts could be arranged, but as to industry self-regulation, most people outside of the Web's vacuum think they're gettin' powdered when it comes to privacy. The Federal Trade Commission and the Senate Commerce Committee are among them, but is government the optimum consumer guardian in this case?

Computer industry analyst Aaron Goldberg has another proposal. In his 6/17 Upside Magazine piece, he opines that in developing their one-to-one marketing efforts, online advertisers have been peering through rosy-hued specs. He likens the "high-pressure selling approaches" to those employed by a common "dinnertime telemarketer."

"Oh sure, we tried to make it nice. We called it 'opt in.'" he comments snidely.

Rather than the Web firms obtaining data directly from individuals, Goldberg would like to see a middleman holding the characterization cards. This "third party or clearinghouse," as he refers to it, would protect the anonymity of users by forming a barrier between them and the rabid marketing mongrels. Thus, suitable offers from the advertiser would be determined by the clearinghouse based on its registrants' profiling data, and from there, promotions would be funneled to the appropriate users.

It all sounds so easy, but somehow it doesn't seem so far off from what ad networks and email marketing solutions firms are already doing.

"Who will fit the bill?" Goldberg asks rhetorically. We need new contractors to build this halfway house; Goldberg alludes to Aveo's "Attune" service that enables "outbound marketing based on what is known about the user from his or her system parameters." He also notes Onvia.com's similar business to business services.

"Without any new thoughts, the Web will deteriorate into a pseudo-TV-like marketing environment," concludes Goldberg.

Could it be that Goldberg is the one gazing through rose-colored glasses? Yes or no, there's no denying that my data and yours is already cluttering up more than a few cookie cupboards. I'm the last one who wants to see the government's grubby paws in the mix, but my guess is that this third party idea has been introduced a little too late.

Can't They Just Fly to Paris for Lunch?
HR Goes Above the Call of Duty

They're vying for attention from the valley to the alley. Dangling dream car keys, throwing student union pizza parties, providing on-site masseuses, and offering free cans of Mountain Dew and unlimited access to scrambled Spanish soap operas (OK, maybe not the last one). They're the dot-com recruiters, of course, and they just might be the real marketing geniuses of the online realm.

Canada's Nortel Networks Corp. needs warm bodies, reports Excite News in a 6/19 piece. Apparently so many maple-leafers are heading south to the lesser-taxed US of A, filling the required 1,000 optical Internet positions is growing tougher and tougher. So, besides dishing out two grand to employees for each referred new hire, staffers also get the chance to enter five $100,000 drawings.

That sounds good and all, but how much beer and hockey equipment can one person possibly purchase?

Nortel's not the only company aiming to appeal to the baser of human desires. The Industry Standard's 6/12 story, "Dot Coms Get Cooking," exposes the overstuffed underbelly of the employee feeding frenzy. Google.com, Excite@Home, Oracle, Cisco, Netscape, Wired and others are enticing workers with freshly prepared gourmet goodies like sushi, Thai and Indian delicacies. In-house chefs whip up free or subsidized lunchtime dishes such as ahi tuna with mango mojo sauce, pancetta soup and coconut cookies.

There's no doubt that adventurous eaters would seize the opportunity to stay at work in exchange for an exotic hot lunch. However, most IT geeks with whom I've come in contact would much prefer a greasy burger or a piled-high ham sammy with a soda on the side. Not to mention the fact that those prone to post-lunch desk naps would prove less-than-efficient workers after an over indulgent meal.

A four day work week and a couple of month's vacation to some remote Grecian isle: Now that could get me back into the rat-race in no time.

Free Auto Actualization
Cruise in Ad Style

"Someday, even cars will be free on the Net!" predicted WebAttack! visionary Michael Tchong at this year's extravagant NYC event. Amazingly enough, the guy was right.

In July's issue of Red Herring, Hildy Medina reports that an April Fool's Esquire article featuring a gag venture named, "FreeWheelz.com" has surpassed spoof status and become reality. It all started one day in Santa Monica when Lawrence Butler realized "how 'awesome' municipal buses looked wrapped in ad copy." Within months, his "FreeCars.com" business model had sprung forth. By partnering with large dealerships and car makers, FreeCars.com plans to giveaway thousands of cars within the first year of business. Selected by the advertisers following a grueling FreeCars.com filtering process, drivers will enjoy the horse-powered promotions for two years. Odd enough, it seems as though FreeCars is taking the Boo.com route; i.e. announce and promote a dot-com business months before the site actually launches.

Even the fellow who wrote the phony Esquire piece sees potential; he's currently considering offers for his once-fake domain, FreeWheelz.com.

Forget Santa Monica. I'll consider FreeCars.com a true success when I see a nosed and decked, pancaked, frenched, and shaved '66 Chevy Impala, with a 14K gold chain steering wheel, cruisin' the streets of East LA in full Lowrider Magazine Ad regalia.