7.13.00
No Everlasting 'Every Flavor Beans'?
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Harry's Wizardry Is No Contest for Wonka's Wisdom
Hey marketers: Has the explosive consumer reaction to the Harry Potter promotional bonanza left you feeling inadequate? Are you insecure about your own ability to create that same type of seething emotional response? Well, at first glance, those book marketing sorcerers may appear to be capable of legendary feats.

Delighted book store owners divined countless schemes to capitalize on the coming of the fourth book featuring the mystical messiah. While attending events such as sleepovers and parties in honor of his shaman-like holiness, frenzied moppets munched Every Flavor Beans, Chocolate Frogs and Muggle Muffins while the wee ones took part in classes on Potions and Herbology.

OK, that's mildly impressive, but upon further scrutiny, you'll discover the incredible ineptitude of the Potter promoters.

Where on earth are the golden tickets? If the publishers of Rowling's fantastical tale had a clue, they'd have stashed a golden ticket in each of five unmarked books. And what would the lucky ticket holders win? Why, they'd be privileged enough to spend one day in the li'l cabalist's imaginary world. Talk about an amazing grand opening for a Harry Potter theme park! Rather than dispensing copies of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire at a rate of 100 per hour, stores could have been selling them by the case. Whoever marketed these books should be immediately fired for obvious gross negligence!

(Download an Oompa Loompa tune in wav format!)

Potent Quotables:
Capsized Intellectual Capital
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Stardust Memory Lapse
Her voice: childlike and sweet. Her hair: spun gold. Her baby blues: sparkling and bright. Her mind, on the other hand: on the dim side. Wait a minute, though. How could Melanie Griffith, that delightful, soft-spoken star of...uh...Melanie Griffith, co-founder and partner of marketing company and "lifestyle-oriented" site, One World Networks, be considered anything but intellectually stimulating?

Hey, I was shocked, too. However, as they say, the proof is in the puddin' head. As reported in the August 2000 issue of Red Herring, Griffith attended a recent venture capital conference in Laguna Niguel, California during which she was asked "for her thoughts on the entertainment industry and its role in Web content." Apparently the question required clarification.

"First of all, what do you mean by content?" she wondered aloud.

An anonymous source reports to the Lowbrow Lowdown that the inquirer responded, "Shake your head, Ms. Griffith. Do you hear that rattling in your skull? Content is precisely what should be in there."

Empty Promises Lead to Empty Wallets
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Reality Checks for Paper Millionaires
At the height of the days of dot-com marketing indulgence, last July, British community site and ISP Themutual.net enticed new registrants by guaranteeing them untold riches. How could they have fulfilled such a bold promise? Through stock options, of course!

As featured in a July 7 report on the UK site that "bites the hand that feeds IT," The Register, the first 1,000 subscribers earned 10,000 shares each, while the remaining 490,000 initial entrants garnered 1,000 shares each. That sounds like adequate compensation for exposure to a regular onslaught of spam, right?

Well, not anymore. Yes, the UK's answer to About.com let blind ambition get in its way of good business sense, and now, like countless companies, Themutual.net's stock price has dwindled significantly.

"They've got to bear with us - this is an opportunity for the public to take a stake in a company for free," pleads Simon Wajcenberg, managing director of Themutual.net.

That's easy for him to say. But what about his site's spam swallowing subscribers? Last week, Themutual.net's stock price had plummeted to a meager £0.62 per share. That means that members who acquired 1,000 shares by joining the network would be up only about 6 quid if they had cashed in on July 7.

"Hey, mates, half-pints are on me tonight!"

(Do stock offers still seem feasible? Stockback thinks so.)

Food Not Dot-Coms
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Something's Rotten in the Mission, and It Ain't the Burritos
If you've ever gazed upon the enlightening works of those fumin' feminists, the Guerrilla Girls, or come in contact with the reactionary left-winged antics of AdBusters, then you were somewhat prepared for the dot-com ad backlash that's ensued in San Fran's Mission district recently.

This May, "artist" Andy Cox, and his group, Together We Can Defeat Capitalism (TWCDC), rented a highway sign that flashed the words, "Danger, Digital Divide Ahead;" it was placed near the "dot-com-saturated neighborhood of San Francisco's South Park," according to a recent Industry Standard piece.

(Let's play devil's advocate for a moment: Why is it that Cox is considered an artist, while his arch enemies are referred to as advertisers? Are they not both promoting ideas to the masses?)

Also, as reported by the bay-based Industry Standard, the Mission Yuppie Eradication Project wants its sympathizers to "VANDALIZE YUPPIE CARS: BMWs - Porsches - Jaguars - SPORT UTILITY VEHICLES." Apparently, Eradication Project's followers have been quite dedicated to following orders.

Yeah, that's right! Scare the non-locals out of town! That way, when they're gone, you can whine and moan about the fact that no businesses want to invest in your digitally-challenged neighborhoods!

Don't get me wrong. I adore the irreverent devilishness of these anti-ad vigilantes. I don't appreciate the promo-proliferation flooding our senses at each and every turn, either. Here's the thing: If these activists are so concerned with the digital divide, as they should be, why don't they pool their efforts in a more positive way? Politicians and civic leaders spend innumerable hours attempting to bring businesses into downtrodden areas of cities. Yet, now that it's occurred out of sheer necessity, some area residents are defensive and enraged.

Mission locals and bleeding-heart rockers alike have jumped on the "Kill the dot-com" wagon, too. The Standard story mentions a recent S.F. Food Not Bombs Benefit concert, sponsored by Listen.com, during which liberal propagandists Sleater Kinney and Fugazi played. It turns out that a Food Not Bombs spokesman was reluctant to give props to the evil doers at Listen.com who helped to fund his worthy cause. The "spokesman [reportedly] told the crowd he didn't usually like dot-coms, but begrudgingly acknowledged Listen.com for sponsoring the event."

By the way, make sure you check out the official site of Fugazi's anti-corporate record label, Dischord. And while you're there, order some Fugazi stuff (I recommend anything but the Steady Diet of Nothing LP.). Or, better yet, take a gander at the Food Not Bombs website.

A Plague on Both Your Colas!
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Pepsi Girl Sips the Syrup of Forbidden Fruit
Faye Wong and Nicholas Tse are to Hong Kong what Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez are to the less-than-discerning top 40 lovers here in the US. (Since I have yet to experience the sounds of Tse and Wong, I'll refrain from commenting as to the caliber of their fans.) They're well-recognized pop stars who, according to the gossip rags, have been known to knock boots from time to time. So -- what's the big deal?

Well, Wong is a spokesperson for PepsiCo, Inc. And Tse -- you guessed it -- is in the Coca-Cola Co.'s camp. Hey, a little publicity can't hurt, right? Tell that to Coke. As reported in the July 7 print edition of the Wall Street Journal, while attempting to leave his controversial lover's home one night a few weeks ago in as covert a manner as possible, Tse was confronted by blood thirsty photographers out to make a quick tabloid buck. (This is Hong Kong we're discussing, here. The term 'paparazzi' sounds about as anachronistic as it did in the Lady Di/Paris incident.)

OK, that's still not eyebrow raising news. Get this: As Tse fled the scene of the rendezvous, the Coca Cola spokesman tossed none other than a Pepsi can out his car window.

Needless to say, Pepsi PR jumped on it. "Clearly, Nicholas has great taste in companions and colas," boasted Pepsi spokesperson, Larry Jabbonsky.

Not surprising, Coke has blown off the whole silly can-hurling fiasco in spin-doctor fashion: "Nicholas was not seen drinking a Pepsi," denied Coke's Hong Kong spokesperson, B.C. Lo.

Don't let that fool you though. Coke's Conspiracy Theory Committee has hired Oracle's Private Investigators, Investigation Group International (IGI), to probe the dumpsters behind Pepsi's Hong Kong headquarters in an attempt to unveil the true stasher of the offending Pepsi can.

The Pink Triangle Meets the Circle K
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What's Next? A Grocery Site Geared Towards Canadian Dwarfs?
From Latinos to leprechauns, minorities often insist on supporting businesses owned by and catering to members of their specific social or ethnic group. Hey, I can relate. I only go to bars where the owners and regular clientele are dullards and drunkards, like myself.

Sometimes I wonder whether that theory should apply to all aspects of my "consumer life." As a woman, is it necessary to search for electronic products organized according to the room of the house in which they might be used? Just the other day, I was pondering the purchase of a new clock radio, and silly me, I did an online search using the keyword "bedroom" instead of "clock radio." If only I had known about hifi.com's "sister site" herhifi.com sooner! (Actually, I did. Here's my ChannelSeven.com write up, PatronizeHer.com: New Stereo Site Puts Women in Their Place.)

Sure, that may be an extreme example of demographically targeted websites. However, let's consider the recent proliferation of sites aimed at the gay community, as covered in Business2.0's July 11 issue. Will companies like the Gay Financial Network, PlanetOut and the popular Gay.com thrive? Or will investors on the more conservative tip shun these business ventures? "After all, no gay and lesbian online business has ever gone public on the New York Stock Exchange or Nasdaq," notes the Biz2.0 article.

On the other hand, some mainstream media appear to be accepting of these sites. Well, they'll accept their ad placement money, at least. The Gay Financial Network, for instance, announced in April that it would place its first ads in Entertainment Weekly and the Wall Street Journal. In addition, statistical prognostications indicate that gays will "increasingly want to shop gay." Plus, the "affinity bond" theory, according to the story, suggests that many lesbians and gays specifically choose to frequent gay-targeted sites and shops owned and run by gays.

"This community is somewhat different because there are those who are more comfortable accessing products and information through a private channel," says Lise Buyer, who plans to become a venture capitalist at Technology Partners.

Some disagree, though. Says David Mills, editorial director at Web consultancy, Xceed, "I don't need to 'gayify' my shopping experience....My identity isn't tied into a gay Visa card or a rainbow beach towel."

I just don't understand where his priorities are. Apparently Mr. Mills doesn't appreciate the warm and fuzzy, communal feeling marketers are trying so hard to establish. I know I do. For instance, as a female cat owner, I am proud to display cute illustrations of cuddly kitties on all my personal checks. Otherwise, how else would the folks at my favorite clothing catalog get to know the real me?