9.28.00
Give Me a Blip -- I'll Sell You My Soul
-- OR --
Pullin' Prefab Superstar Strings
They're oozing with integrity. Their artistic endeavors have been lauded for their originality. They eschew the big media spotlight and refuse to play by the rules of the money-grubbing music industry. They're Radiohead, and they've devised a marketing strategy for their new album that puts Britney Spears, Puff Daddy and Madonna to shame.

Evidently, the tortured Brit boys have created a work of such mastery that it couldn't possibly fit into the constricting MTV video template. And so, as featured in a 9/18 Wall Street Journal article (Radiohead's New Marketing: Videos And Singles to Disappear Completely, By Charles Goldsmith), the band, "fed up with the music industry's hit-making machinery," won't succumb to MTV's demeaning, profit-driven ways. Instead, the achingly pretentious poets will promote the "experimental, electronics-dominated new album, Kid A" with exclusive mini video "blips" that will run on the demonic music network. Plus, MTV2 (you know, the channel that runs actual videos) will play the entire album in conjunction with extended animated accompaniment. And don't forget the screen savers! According to the WSJ piece, "fans will be urged to use a blip as a computer screen saver. About 50 of the blips already are made, with another 50 in the works."

Man, are those Radiohead guys defiant, or what? They've even got the nerve to refuse to release radio singles! The marketing whores ain't too happy about it either. Notes Nik Goodman, deputy-program director for London's Virgin Radio in the Journal story, "It's good for radio stations to have other radio stations supporting the same material; if we're all playing disparate material the listeners can get confused." It makes you proud to tune that dial to commercial radio, doesn't it?

It's all about the art for these musical masters. That's why Radiohead chose to debut their album in an intimate, low-key setting by "blasting [Kid A] over an IMAX theater's sound system as journalists and fans watched fish swim in 3-D across a giant screen," as mentioned in the 9/6 sonicnet.com coverage. Rock on you radio rebels, you!

Potent Quotables
-- OR --
Stuck in the Teen-age
While working on a column for Revolution Magazine last month, I requested advertising information from Seventeen.com. Take a look below at the 9/14 response to a message I sent on 8/7. Let's just say that the ad sales department over at Seventeen.com may be huffing too much "Tickled Peach" glow-in-the-dark glitter nail polish....

Subject: Re: advertising on Seventeen.com
Date: 14 Sep 2000 09:04:21 -0700
From: ask17@seventeen.com
To: kate@lowbrowlowdown.com

Hi and thank you for writing to Seventeen Online!
Please redirect your question/comment to the following address:
Seventeen
850 Third Avenue
9th Floor
New York, NY 10022
ATTN: Ad Sales

Have a great day!

Is that pathetic, or what? Methinks Seventeen Online has its proverbial coiffed head up its perky little arse! You glow girl!

Official Olympic Brainwash
-- OR --
Brandathalon Bondage
I recall crouching on the cement in a dank hall, my teeth chattering, my hands shaking involuntarily from the extreme cold. No, I hadn't been kidnapped; although, in those days it seemed that way sometimes. Just outside, high up in the frigid red seating section, the tundra-like winds whipped the snow about as die-hards sipped hot chocolate from steaming thermos cups. It was a Sunday, like any other Sunday in January. But it was in Buffalo, and in Buffalo, that meant one thing and one thing only: Bills football.

Man, did I hate those winter Sundays. Let's just say I've never been much of a sports fan. That's probably why I can still recall the butterflies fluttering about in my gut as I watched my mother furiously scripting an angry letter to Rich Stadium. As a result of a recent regulation prohibiting game-goers from bringing food or drink containers into the venue, Mom refused to purchase Bills season tix ever again! Oh happy day!

And she thought that was a stringent rule. It's a good thing she isn't a member of the Official Sydney Olympic Family this year. Besides the fact that she'd be restricted from bringing a Pepsi product into the all-embracing Olympic village (Coca-Cola is an official sponsor), she'd be forced to hide all non-IBM computer equipment logos from sight. Oh yes, according to a 9/18 article on The Register, "IBM is among a range of other 'global brands' to have gone completely insane and paid for the privilege of removing competitors from the confines of the Sydney Olympics." Apparently, since IBM found it infeasible to restrict other computer brand-name products from the premises, the firm has required the placement of black tape over all competitors' logos. Hmmm...you'd think that they'd go all the way and demand the purchase of "Official Olympic Big Blue Blinding Binding."

Why don't Olympic officials just require an injection of branding fluid upon entry? I mean, c'mon, it's not as though they have any real problem with drug enhancements anyway, right? I'm sure it could be arranged. And that way, sponsors could truly ensure they've gotten their money's worth. Why stop there? In reaction to NBC's lower-than-expected Olympic ratings, the network could hire a sponsor squad to shackle unwitting spectators to their sofas in order to enforce what could be known as "Mandatory Olympic Family Fun" (prime time viewing only, of course). Hey, if we can believe the hype, it'd be better than watching Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football.

Why Buy the Cow When You Can Get the Nag for Free?
-- OR --
CEO Goes All the Way for Her Customers
Dater ID #56723 refers to himself as an "entrepreneer" and has racked up five free "birthday" grand slam breakfasts at Denny's this month alone. Dater ID #30945 is looking for the stability of regular sadomasochism. And Dater ID #90786, well, he has a pulse. Besides their secret penchants for Ally McBeal and Light Jazz radio, what do these alluring bachelors have in common? They've all dreamt of dating a dot-com CEO!

Now, that aspiration can become a reality. That's right. If you're of the male persuasion, between the ages of 30 and 50, and you dig chicks, you could win a date with Liz Kalodner, the elusive CEO of SocialNet.com. As featured in the 9/22 Salon.com story, Kalodner shamelessly admits to the cross promotional aspects of the contest: "It's the perfect marriage of my personal needs and the company's goals.... I'm looking for a husband -- go ahead and print that in bold. I'm 39, and my mother wants grandchildren."

Over 100 possible baby juice donors have lucked their ways into the pile of potential matches. Based on Kalodner's profile, the SocialNet.com system will weed out incompatible fellas, and from there, the list of hopefuls will be whittled down to 12 finalists by Kalodner and staff.

Don't forget the true Wapner-wannabe: Mama Kalodner is guaranteed to make the final decision. A hard-hitting interview on the Socialnet.com site with "Mrs. K." provides a glimpse into the tragic obligations of a mother-in-law-in-waiting. Not only does she have to track down sperm vessels for her daughter, she still, to this day, must advise Liz on displaying the proper attributes of wifely appeal. For instance, Mama K. realizes the obvious fact that men love it when women take at least two hours to do their hair and makeup before a visit to the grocery store. So, of course, she's wisely suggested that her daughter " 'become high maintenance' to attract men." Oh, that Mrs. K! She's such a meshugana!

"With a cheerleading section like her mother and such attractive qualities, it's a wonder Liz is still single," ponders the SocialNet site, with somewhat transparent sarcasm. I wonder why Kid Kalonder hasn't feigned amnesia in an attempt to escape the suffocation of overbearing motherhood.

Well, if anything, at least Liz Kalodner is willing to use her company's services. Wait just a minute. She could be overlooking her true soul mate: Hair Club For Men's Sy Sperling!

Pointless Product Plummet
-- OR --
Strike That -- Reverse It
Do you ever catch yourself thinking that you can "Undo" a recent erroneous action? Sometimes a sarcastic comment is misplaced or misinterpreted, you know? For example, one time while attending some generic launch party in SOHO, I caught myself bemoaning the high facial hair quotient of the crowd, only to peer over towards my goateed discussion partner. Yikes! Well, let's just say diplomacy ain't my strong suit. It's times like those I wish I had a " Ctrl Z" contraption at my disposal (Mac users may prefer "Command Z"). That way, the ease of the computerized Undo could be captured and applied to tangible situations. OK, on second thought, that would be just plain weird.

Maybe that technology isn't as far off as you'd think. Take Xenote's iTag innovation, for instance. As featured in the October print edition of Red Herring (Product Line, Delayed gratification on a key chain, by Tom Geck), the product enables click happy gadget hounds to "tag" tunes played on partnering radio stations, and later, upload those tags, or bookmarks, on Xenote's site. While at the site, folks can link to online music retailers like Amazon.com and CDNow to place orders for the tagged recordings. Sure, it sounds like a whole lotta hassle for a negligible payoff, right?

Alas, the business growth of Xenote apparently has been on the negligible side as well. A tip off from ICONOCAST's Jaco led me to Xenote's site which informs visitors that it has "ceased operations" as of 9/22. "Despite our demise, the service was a success," claims the regretful announcement. Of course it was, just like the Bridgestone/Firestone tire recall and Bush's "Major League Asshole" comment were successes.

Really though, it's too bad. According to the Red Herring article, the current radio related implementation could snowball to be used for endless consumer-oriented purposes. "The iTag does for radio what interactive TV developers have been dreaming of for years. Companies like ICTV and Microsoft's WebTV envision a day when viewers can purchase Jennifer Aniston's shirt while watching Friends." Screw the shirt, I wanna tag that cool monkey!

The Ministry of Opt-in Spin
-- OR --
Surveillance Gone Wild
Isn't it amazing how the term "opt-in" has become synonymous with utterly harmless, non-intrusive, and just plain good for you? Wouldn't you like to experience the true comfort and security of 24/7 opt-in Web tracking? Well, now you can!

If you're like me, the idea of being left alone is truly frightening. Surely, it would be reassuring to know someone was watching over you, on an opt-in basis only, of course. That's why the good folks at Virginia's comScore really seem to have our best interests in mind. They're aiming to compile a database of online behavioral stats by following the online actions of two million lucky opt-in simpletons! That's right! Act now, because, according to the 9/19 ChannelSeven.com story, "[t]he company has rounded up more than 1.3 million U.S. residents, and another 700,000 people from overseas, to participate." These privileged peeps were recruited through telemarketing, direct mail and online contact.

Don't wait! By opting-in to this limited-time Orwellian offer, you too can delight in the knowledge that comScore will make note of each and every site you visit, what cookies you accept, what ads you are served, where you register, what you buy and even what marketing emails you receive!

And, according to the ChannelSeven feature, "the demographics that comScore gathers at registration [are] enough to allow the company to match surfing and buying behavior with offline purchasing data and other information available from third-party vendors." No worries, though: comScore will never be able to identify you personally. You shall always remain a number to them....

That's not all! Call comScore within the next 15 minutes, and they'll throw in free sweepstakes entries, and software that lessens download time. Even after a fascist takeover, you'd never be able to experience observation like this! Call now! Remember: no COD's.